For $20 I found out I am insane and fat.

Yesterday was my yearly gyno appt. fantabolous.

I really don't mind 90% of the visit, I love all the nurses, my doctor is the best little Asian man I could find (beats the 7 foot Irish guy with gargantuan hands, he was my other choice)

I don't mind the scale (till later in the visit) I am not shy about being naked, or asking questions about peeing my pants, thinking I'm a loon, or the fact that my right arm is numb often.

I do mind the fact that I had the evil duck bill (the metal kind) or as the docs call it the "speculum" AND all those LONG scary q-tips, and the straight-fr0m-the-art-room pipe cleaner on a stick, that they wave around in there.

The whole time the "procedure" is going on I am rambling (keeps my mind of the subject at hand) about how I would rather change two of Weaky's diarrhea blow out diapers, shit up to his neck all while the dog barfs on my foot, then have this damn speculum up my whoodee whoo.

My doctor, being the brave man he is, said "I would rather have this done"... I respond (and yes the procedure is stilll going on) "Since your a man, and unless you have had a speculum up your..." Dr. L then jumps in with a NO I have not. Then a quick subject change. Hmrph. Thought so.

Alright enough with the suck ass part. He then does the el boobo exam, all good with the girls. Now time for the list of questions.

Why does my right arm go numb? My guesses were right that I pinched a nerve, he said to try a better pillow (I did and it feels better already!) and hold onto your seats... he referred me to a chiropractor!! (that medical office NEVER refers me to any chiropractor! Booya. I love me a good adjustment!)

Moving on.

How will I have to do kegals before I stop peeing when I jump or run? Well good news is I can sneeze and cough and for the most part I don't pee. BUT I can not jump or run with out a total Billy Madison episode. (your not cool unless you pee your pants) He said because of my age (gasp!) that it may not ever get better. Boooo. There is a procedure. But he doesn't recommend it unless it is REALLY necessary. Time to pull out the pads and work on those kegals!

Onto the subject of me being a loony. I asked him about my mood swings. About the days when staring at the wall is just to much for me. I told him the kids are always safe, and that they are always fed, clean and happy. And that is ALL I put effort into on my crazy days. I cry, I scream, I cry, I freak out, I can't breath, I overreact, I don't react at all. I haven't had one of these days since I think, June? So doc was happy to hear that I hadn't had anything of late. So he sent me to the lab to get my thyroid checked. BTW that needle hurt. Fucker. Oh my other option was to have my birth control, mirana, removed to see if that fixed things. Um no. I am not that concerned and no I am not removing that thing for the next 4 years I have left on it. Moving on...

My weight. I generally asked, since Spaghetti and I just started eating healthy, I wanted to see what the doc had to say about my weight. He said for my height, 5 foot, I should be around 110. That is what I thought. That is 24 lbs away. So I said at least my weight is better then last year right? He checks the chart.. um no, actually your 5 lbs heavier then last year.

Really? Hmrph. Well isn't that a kicker. I am 5 lbs fatter then right after I had my baby. Fan-fucking-tastic. I asked the doctor if the WHOLE box of mac & cheese at 10 pm is a bad idea? Or the WHOLE Digorono pizza? Alright. I am SO over being a fat ass, I think I look ok, then I see myself in pictures. Gag.

So after being stabbed for blood, and being grouped and prodded, told I would forever be a pant wetter, and I am a bit to big for my britches all for just a nice little copay of $20. I made my appointment for next years torture. All with a smile on my face, and a thank you.