Depression was real. I just didn't see it.

Once upon a time I was happy, SO happy that I was nicknamed Smiley, Happy, and Crazy Girl. I was known for being "High On Life" (my mom taught me that one) and I was always energetic.

I married Spaghetti, in June of 2001, and that is who he fell in love with. The over happy, always optomistic, glass half full girl.

And I stayed happy, and smiley, and energetic from July 19th, 1978 until October 2005. After 27 years of smiles and giggles I was sad, tired, and well pregnant.

Being pregnant with Bagel I read everything there was on babies, being a mom and the life changing events that go with. I even read on this "Postpartum" thing, I didn't think I would get it but I skimed over the stories, comments, thoughts, and get help numbers in the books and magazines.

I had Bagel and even though Spaghetti took time off work, the one week he took, only lasted the 4 days in the hospital, and then a few days at home, and then I was left with her. The baby. I was fine. I had her natural (natural as in vajaja style, not as in no epidural style. Smoke more crack if you think I was going that route. HA!) so I tore from hole A. to hole B. it took doc 23 minutes to sew me up and the pain meds wore off. AND yes I felt ALL 4 pain shots she gave me in the non existing taint to numb before she sewed me back together, anyway you get the point, epidural great for child birth. afterwards not so great, the whole stitches in your nether regions.

 Let's just say I was in pain and SO glad they don't MAKE you poop before you leave the hospital, anymore. It took me 2 more days after she came home to drop a duce. I was scared to pop a stitch. You get where I'm going? Pain. Meds. Baby. DH back to work in what seemed like only hours since Bagel had been born.

Spaghetti worked grave yard at his full time job. He would leave the house at 9:30 pm and be home around 6:30 am, he then would sleep what he could but if he had to open the video store at 9:00 am till mid afternoon, and then sleep again till he worked nights. Again. The sick cycle of that work shift was from April till October he also works at Wrigley Field, yes Chicago Cubs. He's a beer vendor, and that was on days he wasn't at the video store, and could work before grave yard shift started. Needless to say, he was one tired mother fucker.

So there's me. And this baby girl. I had it togther. And I knew that I had to because Spaghetti was working. At times I felt like a single mom (even though I give props to them. BY far. Trying to bring in income, AND raise kids. AND some are going to school? Applause.) I did everything with her, and for her. I often remember telling peopel, even Spaghetti at times "I don't need anyone, I can do it by myself" I didn't want help, or his Aunts to get me videos on postpartum shit. GAH! I was fine on my own. I had this.

The summer passed, and that fall I think I officially went nuts, and in the events of one to many CIO sessions, I dyed my platnium blonde hair.

Jet Black. More like "Chocolate Velvet" was the box name for it.

Yes. Black.

I rocked it. And when people asked why. I said because children make you do crazy ballsy things.

Fast forward to Bagel at 14 months. Bam. Pregnant with Weaky.

I wanted it this way, and lucky that I got it that way. I wanted kids close in age. Two was the amount of children, and I wanted them close. Not like 12 months close, but close so I wasn't pregnant for a decade.

When I was pregnant with Weaky, I remember Aerial and Spaghetti commenting on how they don't even remember me NOT being pregnant between kids. Honestly? Me neither.

Still with me?

Let's recap just cuz I still got a LOT of shit to say.

There's me. Crazy lady (oh and note, my hair is back to blonde by the time Weaky came around. LOTS of dying. LOTS)

There's also the unmentioned, but if you know me and my family I have 4 other children. They are covered in fur. Maggie and Sophie, our Boxers

And then my two cats, Jordan and Chloe,

So note that I am a glutton for punishment with all the pet hair, barfing, and pissing around the house. Let's just add human babies to it.

Right so then we have sleeping Spaghetti still working 3 jobs...

And now we have Weaky.

So now I have my hands full

Two under two was pure crazy.

So crazy that I went from blonde. to black. to blonde to this...

(yes it's a mohawk, and the pillowcase shirt isn't because of crazies, but because I was in need of NKOTB wear for the concert, and that was what I had. And so I made a shirt of it)

It's gotten better. But for A LONG time it wasn't good.

I was sure I had post partum but confused at how severe mine was.

I found letters that I had written to Spaghetti when I was crazy, yes I had to write my husband letteres because the time we had together was never enough for me to babble two pages of random jibberish to him.

So I wanted to share them with you.

Seriously this is big. Because one of the first things I say in the note is that I didn't want to blog it, becuase it would freak people out. Now that I'm better. Or in a better place, I feel I can share this with you...

So Bagel and I are sitting @ breakfast I thought I would write you whats in my head. I would blog on it, but I don't want to freak people out.

I miss you. I know you miss me. I know we need the money, so that is why you work so much.

RIght now the only thing that makes me un-sad is you. I get angry at you because your not here, but I know you do it because you love us, and to support us. But I still get angry because I want you around more.

I know family and friends want to help us but right now, I don't want any help from anyone but you. As crazy as it sounds to deny help. In my head right now you and me are what can help me.

I need alot of positive thoughts. I know you hate when I say "tell me something" line, but I think that will be the best thing to get me through rough days. I hope this goes away soon.

I want to be mentally ok, I am trying myself, but there are moments I just litterly lose my mind. I can not be sad. I can not get angry. These are when I need you. When I just cry for no reason. I need you. When I am angry please don't walk away, this is when I need a hug most.

This may be a selfish note. But at this stage of me, with my moods up and down so much, much that I can't control. I need to let you know what I need and what we can do together to make me better.

So fi you think I need it or not, I probably need a hug, or an "I love you" or just a comment on what you love about me.

Physically I am heling fast. My back and my stitches get sore still, but I am glad to be just on Alieve for pain.

But mentally I am not good. I am afraid when I cry or get angry or sad. I can't control them. I can't stop them. I want to, but it's just something that takes over me. And right now you seem to be my cure.

I hope this note helps you understand what we both don't.

I need you, I am trying to be storng, it's so hard and when the whole house is going at once (Bagel screaming, Weaky crying, dogs barking) It just pushes me to the crazy point of just pure ANGER or depression. It's like a sadness washes over me, and I can't function.

I won't ever hurt Weaky, Mia or the fuzzies. Ever.

I may seem crazy upset, butthe worst thing that I do is just put them down, and remove myself from the situation.

I don't think I could hurt myself, I'm not a big fan of pain. I just... I don't know... I guess I am done rambling.

I hope you can help me. I am not sure what else could. I need you Spaghetti, more then ever. I need you. Alot.

If you could please look in my eyes and tell me with out speaking you love me.

And please don't tell anyone about me being like this. I am not porud of this "me" And I am serious about al this... I do need help. Thanks.

Love you, Feisty.

This  note was written about a year ago. I stayed crazy, or in that sad mode of depression and shut down. Until the fall. I really started to get out of it. And just as recent as Weaky's 2nd birthday, April 25th, I finally felt normal. Sure if you were family, or a friend. I hid it well. I think it's a fantastic trait I learned from being a super multitasking mom, just toss it in with my skills.

Like the baby years were done. All done. Now onto talking, and independance. Sure I've still got diapers, but it's getting better. I feel like my head has been cleared, and I am more "me" again.

Oh and Spaghetti's reaction to my note? He tried. But after our talk today I realized he just thought I was stressed about the whole, everything. And that I was just having a lot of bad days. I guess 4 years worth of bad days is obvious to some, and not to others. (said others were busy working 70 hour weeks)

If you don't know how I feel about kids, check out this post on my dislike for children.

And this post covers me durring postpartum

So that brings us to the current day. Note I did have a freak out moment, cause of to much of Spaghetti at work, to much whiney kids, and so I just covered my ears, and ran to my art room. I told Spaghetti to sit with the kids and give me 20 minutes to calm down. It took me 14 minutes to calm myself, and go back to my kids, which is great it before it would take me up to a hour.

But since then. I'm fine. I talked with Spaghetti today, and we discussed my crazy postpartum. The only thing I asked him was this

"Do you believe I had postpartum depression?" I asked. He looked at me, and as the tears ran down my face he said "Yes" I NEEDED him to say that. And he said he thought I was "Stressed alot" and he was scared I would never get out of it, and be me again.

I told him so was I.

Reading my notes, well it's an eye opener. That they weren't kidding in the brochures that you should call them if you have any signs of depression. I had more of a "Super Mom" complex going on. I didn't need help. But secretly I did but from ONLY Spaghetti.

I did blog once on it. I think I freaked some people out with it though. And I must say I am very glad that my children won't remember their insane mommy. Just the silly carefree mommy, that still yells, and is the bad guy around here. But not is a creepy sad mommy way.

But I feel better now. Don't get me wrong, the crazy children are still here, and so are ALL the fuzzy pets. But I've got a better hold on everything. Down to planning meals, doing laundry, and attempting to just be me. It's like I had a fog of sadness over me, and now the fog is gone. My head is clearer, and I can see outside of my crazy 4 walls.

If you did read all this, please just leave me a comment. I need them.