Drunk Dialing from the Windy City. About butts, roofies, bald guys (not dad!) and Chewbacca

While preparing dinner tonight, I decide to call my bestest friend Aerial. She is on a fantabulous weekend with her sister (Happy Birthday Sarah!) they are staying at the "W" in Chicago, and just enjoying 2 nights and 3 days of getting away from it all.

I call Aerial to let her know that my message from yesterday about me dying from the flu, is over. I am all better now. (well for the most part) It was 8:30 at night...

We started out talking about my 24 hour flu, and how great it was that it was gone already, and how fun it is that I am kid free till tomorrow! Then the fun conversation begins...

Me: So tell me all about Chicago!

Aerial: Oh last night, we went to a club. Sarah had like 6 beers and 3 shots. And barely a buzz goin. So I went to the bartender, and I ask the lady for the strongest shot she has. She charged me $8 for this thing in a glass, never did get the name of it. And gave it to Sarah.

Sarah soon after could not feel her legs. She kept sayin' "Someone broke my legs! My legs are broken!" Soon after we went to the hotel.

Me: Nice so you gave your sister a roofie?

Aerial: OMG! No I did not roofie my sister.

(Sarah in background, hears this conversation) Sarah: OMG you so did roofie me!

Me: Let me make a personal note, for you not to go to the bar for my drinks.

Aerial: Oh, hold on. Sarah has to tell you something.

(shuffle noise, giggling, of Aerial handing the phone to Sarah)

Sarah: Hiiee!! How are you!!

Me: Awesome. Happy early Birthday! Besides your sister drugging you, sounds like your having a great time in the city!

Sarah: OMG, yeah she totally roofied me!! So I have to tell you Aerial got me a massage! I wanted the same guy I had last time we were here (November 08 for Aerial's birthday weekend) Aerial reserved him, but they gave me this other guy.

SO not the same! This guy had crazy hairy arms!

Me: Like they brushed on you as he massaged you?

Sarah: Ewwww! Yeah!

Me: (fueling the funny fire here...) Like Robin Williams arm hair?

Sarah: Oh Yeah! Robin Williams (so Aerial could hear) so this guy. He is massaging my butt! Then he is spreading my toes apart and sticking his fingers in and out! I was SO violated!! Then he was massaging my head, and he, not exaggerating, grabbed two handfuls of hair, and pulled hard!!

Me: Choke me, spank me, pull my hair?

Sarah: Aaaaaa!! No!! Ewww... anyway so Aerial was able to talk to the manager, just about the wrong guy part, and got me a free $150 massage and some lotions!

Me: Sound fun.

Sarah: Here's Aerial!

(wait again for more shuffling and giggling...)

Aerial: I wasn't ghetto when I talked to the manager. I was calm. That was how I got the free massage. I didn't want to get all ghetto on him. (it's funny to see this, because Aerial, is exactly that. Aerial. A very white, red head, who dresses nice and preppy. But if you cross her. Hood rat Aerial comes out!)

Me: Well done on being calm. I am sure ghetto would have maybe gotten you the lotion only.

Aerial: So a guy I work with, also drives a limo, if he is off duty around 9 we will get a free ride to dinner!

Me: Have fun with that, be careful, and I hope you get your limo ride! Bye!

2 hours later, I am sitting with my dogs rotting my brain to "I love money 2" on MTV when I get a phone call...

Aerial: I have... to tell you bout our night since I called you last... your awake right?

Me: Yes, amazing, I know after 10 pm and I am up! So tell me what trouble you two are into only after 2 hours...

Aerial: So my co-worker shows up, with a Lincoln! Drives us ALL over Chicago, with a bottle of champagne in there for us!!

We get to the restaurant, and we sit at the bar, the bartender is giving Sarah free drinks cuz its her birthday!

Me: Nice job Sarah!

Aerial: Well cuz now we are eating dinner...

Sarah in background: I will just eat half my food now, and hand feed it to myself later!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

Me: Did you just drunk dial me?

Aerial: OMG, I did. Tee hee. You know me and Sarah are like you and me, can't go anywhere with out....hold on.... (talks to bartender)....a story.... (whispering...)

So the bartender... are you there?!?

Me: Yep. Right here.

Aerial: SO the bartender just walked over to our table and offered Sarah free drinks for the night cuz her birthday (yes that is what she said. Maybe just a bit buzzed, so she skipped some words)

Me: Congrats on the free drinks. I am to assume that a cab will take you back?

Aerial: Here is Sarah again

(shuffle, giggle)

Sarah: So I miss your face... I do. When did I see you last?

Me: Who me? ummm... wow, it's been a while.

Sarah: Uh huh, and you've got a baby too!

Me: Yep, I have like 14 of them.

Sarah: Nooooo!

Me: Ok, only two.

Sarah: I know, it's been forever... when was the last time I saw your face?

Me: (knowing I can make Sarah laugh her ass off, and that she will loudly repeat what I am saying so her sister, and the whole restaurant can hear it I say...) The last time is when you came over and my dog Dong, totally busted Aerial for Sharfing in her pants.

Sarah: OH MY GOD! THAT TIME AERIAL SHIT HER PANTS!!

(it worked. Thank god Aerial is too buzzed to get pissed and is laughing her ass off)

Me: So I wanted again to ask you how your chewbacca massage was (chewbacca sound, yes I can make it, sort of) chewwy love Sarah.

Sarah: AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Aerial: (back on the phone now) What did you tell her?

Me: I told her that chewbacca did the massage! (chewy noise again)

Aerial: hahahahahahhahaahahhaha!!!!

Me: I know I don't do it as well as Dong.

Aerail: OMG! Sarah! Feisty's dog, Dong, SO does the best Chewbacca noise. (then Aerail proceeds to make this high pitched gurgling sound. Not pretty. Not pretty at all. And I almost piss on my couch because of it.)

Aerial: Oh yeah. Oh the bartender has a bald head! I have to pet his head. Ohhh. I love bald heads. You remember, we were out once, and I was petting a guys bald head. (well. ummm. no.)

(Sarah now upset about her shirt and a drink...)

Aerial: Oh, Sarah, drink on her boobs... it's not so bad...

Me: Tell her to "accidentally" dump one when the bartender is feeding you guys drinks. Maybe you can get more.

Aerial: YEAH! I am so gunna rub his head tonight!! I love bald heads.

Sarah: (loudly in the background) Well dad has a bald head. Do you rub his head.

(crickets. more crickets. Buzz kill.)

Aerial: EWWWWWW! I just threw up a little! Your so gross!!

Sarah: (now realizing what she just said) EWWWW! That IS gross! Gag!!

Me: Well ladies this has been fun. Thank you for the drunk dial, if I squeeze my eyes shut tight enough I can pretend I am there. Go drink, have fun, rub bald heads, and be careful.

Aerial: OK! Good bye!!

Now as I am typing this (WAY past my bedtime) I get a phone call at 12:23 am. Yes my dearest BFF drunk dials me again. But more drunker.

Aerial: YOUR AWAKE! CAN YOU HEAR ME?!?

Me: (I can hear that they are in a loud place, must be the hotel bar) Yep, I am awake, and your loud and clear. What's new?

Aerial: I just touched a guys butt!!!!

Me: So are we talking, butt cheek? Butt hole? pants on? pants off?

Aerial: NO! Pants on and just his cheek!

Me: .... why?

Aerial: So you know I have a butt fetish, drunk and sober. And he was going to sit down and he SO put his ass right in my face. So I poked it.

Me: How did that work for you.

Aerial: Fine. I was going to do more, but Sarah didn't want a fight, he had a girl with him.

Me: Good idea. How did the bald bar rub go?

Aerial: OH YEAH! So we got a free drink, get this it was called.... "Sarah's Birthday Drink!" How cool is that!

(me trying to remember that she is drunk, and I am sure that every drink is someones birthday drink. But for the moment, I let them live in the glory that they beat the odds and had a "Sarah's Birthday Drink" on Sarah's birthday!)

Me: That is awesome! So now your at the hotel bar downstairs?

Aerial: Yep. Sarah went upstairs to charge her phone and come back. So I needed to call you and tell you about my butt story. Fun huh!

Me: Way fun. You know how I am about butts, I love to violate people!

Aerial: Ok, well it's late, you're probably going to bed soon. (I think trying to make sure I go to bed before they do) We're going to party down here, then up to bed! Sarah's having a great time! That's all that matters to me!!

Me: I am glad your both having fun! I will talk to you later!

Aerial: Byeeeee!!

So that was my drunk dial. Times 3. Thanks for letting me pretend I was in the city with you girls. Happy Birthday Sarah! Muah!!

Feisty