Firework

Once upon a time you happened. That moment I was in the bathroom. First floor of our house. I realized I was pregnant. I then found out it was a girl. My dreams and hopes of a little me was coming true.

After 9 long months of pregnancy came you. My baby girl.

I did all the thing I thought I should. I bathed you often, taking care of every detail. Your water, diapers, warm wipes, lotions and towels. Every part of you being. And my care for you was always first priority.

Every moment with you has been amazing. You are just a ray of sunshine when you enter a room. From your ‘All about Me’ attitude, your sassy but sweet approach to each day.

You grew into long blonde hair, big blue eyes, your tiny in size, but again show your mother’s side of pure feisty when anyone challenges you.

 

Your creative, your funny, your outgoing, love to dance, sing, and just be. And this my baby girl is you. The creature who took over my heart and reason for being.

Not that I ever intended to grow up, or be adult like. I for some reason realized I didn’t like children, small does of children, sure, but for to long of time, or if for some reason they got to whiney, or needy, my dislike for them grew.

So being your MOM and a Stay At Home Mom at that, I quickly realized I had to get over my loathing of whiney needy children.

I’ve instead realized that you, like so many other children are the way for adults to remember. To remember that we are all whiney needy people.

That need to be reminded to live. Out loud.

To laugh. At everything. To smile when your mom is ‘frustrated’ or ‘angry’ over barking dogs and spilt milk. To remind her that it’s life. It’s ok.

That’s you. You remind me.

You remind me of the kid that I once was, not only do you fill my heart with love of being your mom, but you make me, me again.

I’m sorry for the PPD. It was a part of me that pulled us apart. Well to me it did. You still look at me every day as if I’m some sort of amazing person. You say I’m the best mommy, the best cook, the funniest. I think I could be better for you. For both of you.

Now being pregnant with the two of you only being 22 months apart it wrecked my brain. I thought I was stronger then PPD. I thought I couldn’t go crazy. I wasn’t on meds, I didn’t see a shrink, I was just dealing with a new life, with two new people to care for. Little people at that.

Barking dogs, screaming kids, whiney kids, husband working 3 jobs, no money, laundry, housework and trying to find the new me all with out losing the old me in the mix, caused me to be in some serious denial of Post Partum Depression.

Often you called me ‘Sad mommy’ or ‘angry mommy’ needing time outs (that’s how I would handle a meltdown) but I feel that I took from you. I took from our time together, and now with your brother I feel I did the same.

But it’s been 5 years my baby. 5 LONG years. Of you and me. Adding in your brother. All of it makes us who we are, and what we are. All this stems from the fact that today was your Preschool graduation.

OMG. I cried typing that out. Pre.school. is OVER for you. I remember your first day. You were SO excited. I was SO upset. I sat in that parking lot and sobbed.
Today I sat with family, and the great preschool mom friends I have made, I cried that in 8 months you went from little girl, just 4 years old to all of a sudden your getting a diploma and the tell me you’re a Kindergartener?! From 3 days a week for 2.5 hours a day. To ALL day on a bus school?! And need I remind you that your FIFTH birthday. Yes 5 is coming up? Two weeks and a day?!

So yesterday I surprised you and POWER cleaned your room. I mean ALL the clothes on the floor, the toys, the mess. It took me ALL day. CLEAN. The mess is of coarse yours, but part my fault. Those clothes went back as far as 24 months. (party lazy me, part that I couldn’t let go, and part I LOATHE laundry of any kinds) Some child with less then you will enjoy them.  And we can go on enjoying your wonderful room.

Writing you this I’m trying to figure where I’m going with it. Is it a “I’m sorry I didn’t give my all the last 5 years” I thought I did then. Looking back I feel like I didn’t. Or is this a “Holy Canoli my baby is growing up SO fast and I can’t hold on to her so I need to jump on and just enjoy the ride” I think it’s both.

As I learned with Maggie May, I didn’t pick her out at the pet store. She picked out me. As did you. Sure I made you, I created you my little human, but you. YOU make me who I am now. You teach me, if not more then I teach you. To be me. To let us be us. If I just LET you and me pick out who we want to be.

To not fight the angry whiney needy child in either of us.

But to embrace who we are. My baby and I. To remember you are me. You’re a tiny version of me, in a WHOLE new world. Let’s enjoy this ride my princess.

In the words of you “Girls only, right mom?” (when your dad is at work and your brother is napping and we have snuck to the art room for some us time)

“Can this just be a girl day?” (when your brother is still asleep and you’ve woken me at 7 am on the weekend)

And hoping that you forget, that there was ever these words uttered by you “Mom I wish you weren’t always angry mommy then sad mommy”

Let’s make this the best summer ever My Bella.

You Feisty Mom.

xoxo…

Morning!

This is a morning I wish for. This was last week. I do believe the last time I saw sunshine. Now it is literally a grey wall of grey. No clouds. No dimension. Just GREY. So let’s pretend it looks like the above every day!

 

This morning I was TRYING my best to get Bagel to give me a cute pose… not happening. It’s hard when it’s forced, but she was cute, and I wanted it.

We often start out with the back shot. So lucky me I get the front and back of cute outfits.

Then with a whole bunch of these shots… of grumpy frumpy little girl… and one of her brother sneaking a peek from the basement… (too cute!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got what I wanted. I SO wish I could pull of these outfits myself. Mind you I have to loose about 30 lbs, and about 12 years off my age, then sure I could. So I live my love of funky passion through her!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for the pictures Bagel. Mommy loves you. xo…

Feisty

J Town memories

Bagel took over our bed the other morning, made a HUGE circle of pillows and got snug as a bug. She’s quite adorable when she’s sleeping…

 

 

She finally caught me taking pictures, and said “scratch my back” we have a busy day just me and her.

Since we had the Snomaggeddonblizzardnadotsunami and they canceled her Jazz Lyrical class, we have a make up class. It’s at a different park district, not here in town. The city I grew up in.

 

She would NOT stop fighting with her brother, and good for us make up dance was on Tuesday, Spaghetti’s day off. So he stayed home with Weaky.

Since they were fighting we left early. I parked as far from the dance gym as possible, so we could walk and enjoy the whole place. I wanted her to see an ice rink in person.

She watches ice skating on t.v., and so what better then to feel the cold air, and see the ice.

Not thinking I would be flooded with memories, but how quickly I had forgotten that THIS ice rink is where my high school boyfriend taught me to skate, where my (still) good friend would D.J. on weekends, where SO many of my friends and I would hang out. It’s been about 16 years since I’ve been here last…

Bagel loved the bleachers, she got to touch the ice, and for the first time ever, NO one else was in there. Just her and I. After climbing the bleachers (3x’s) and touching the ice. She then grabs my hand doing the excited dance and says “Thanks for taking me to the ice house, this is nice, you and me”

 

 

Then we walked through to see the new addition, the fitness gym was above us, and looked amazing, but in the hall way below, outside of the indoor pool had the coolest furniture. Funky chairs, and this wavy bench that Bagel loved.

We finally made it to the ‘munchkin land’ as they call it. Where they have preschool, kindergarten and special classes for kids.

Bagel had a great time during the dance part of class. Miss Karen is awesome with the kids. The last 20 minutes is some sort of tumbling, or balance for the girls. This place had the COOLEST set up (according to the girls)

 

The climbed, jumped, rolled and hopped their way through this.

 

 

(roll like a crayon Miss Karen says!)

They also practiced summersaults. Bagel took tumbling when she was 3, so she knew the basics, I was exhausted watching them, they did SO many rounds of summersaults, I lost count!

What a fantastic day with Bagel and I, we spent the morning just us girls. Saw new things, old memories and made some new ones of our own!

Feisty

The Angry Mom

I went to bed at 10:02 pm. Pretty early, but good to get into the habit since I enjoy my morning silence.

Woke up at 5:23 just a few minutes before Spaghetti is off to work, earliest I’ve been up in a long time. Nice to see him before he leaves for work.

I lay back in bed and decide to flip around on tv, nothing much. Some infomercials, Full House, decided on Boy Meets World. Then at 6:08, Bagel is knocking on my door.

I’m not the old me. The old me, that would infuriatingly yell at her daughter to go back to bed. And leave me alone AT least till there is a 7 on the clock!

It was the newer me. The me who stops myself from yelling. But I still was grumbly. Telling her to give me a minute. My bad for thinking getting up at 5:30 was going to give me so much ‘me time’ I needed to go in the bathroom for a minute.

Sigh. Never mind.

We go down from the second floor, as Weaky sleeps in. (thankyouverymuch) I start the coffee, and start to eat a banana. Bagel comes in, and sits at the sliding glass door, looking out to the deck.

I then remember that today we are going to Kindergarten Round up, to register Bagel for school.

I sit on the floor rug next to her. Just me and her.

Normally there are two big boxers all in our face if we sit on the floor, or her brother wanting to sit too, some one is whining, someone is crying, a dog is barking, and SO much needs to be done, I don’t have the patience to sit there.

 

 

Today was different. Maybe it’s because my baby is going to Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday is right around the corner. I only see this girl. A 15 month old baby. But in reality I have this… a feisty big girl.

       

No longer a baby, sassy, mind of her own, and when I’m paying attention ONE creative chica.

She’s smart. She writes her name, draws pictures well. Sings, plays. Loves markers over crayons, but paint is her favorite. She’s a play-doh junkie. If I had to explain her in Disney terminology she would be a

Tink.

She’s silly, and cute like Tinkerbell. She’s got the feisty fire in her like a Tinkerbell. But my favorite part? She’s a Tinkerer.

My dad is, I am for sure, and so it’s only fit that my Mia is not as girly as she looks, she’s very hands on and I love it.

 

BUT she is a girl, and she loves to dress up, let’s not forget the Tinker part, so add in a bit of princess (but not to much) and you get Rapunzel. Part princess but barefoot, and strong minded. Open to explore, and enjoy adventures.

That is my Bagel.

And as I sat with her this morning, at the sliding glass door, I realized that my baby was getting big. And I need to stop being poor me, and take that quiet morning with my baby girl and enjoy every second, before she’s too cool to hang out with me, or to sit with me and talk about the melted snow.

As we sat in silence for a minute. She looks at me and says “Mom. I like you right now. Like that time I was in the tub and told you that your usually sad or mad. Not now. Now your nice and happy. Will you stay this way”

Sigh. I hope so Bagel. I hope the PTSD me, the PPD me, is gone. I will always look over my shoulder, knowing I won’t be the carefree me before kids, but trying to laugh more every day and do what one amazing mom once told me to do.

She said that ALL we need to do in this life is breathe. Just. Breathe. So I breathe.

I said to Bagel, I hope that I can stay this way. And instead of shooing her off to the tv room, so I can sit on the lap top, we finished the morning, with some marker art. She drew me flowers, and said “remember the other day when you showed me how to draw a flower with petals and leaves and the grass?! I did that and look! Just like you showed me”

She drew a lion blue, with orange fur. A map of how to get to bed. A page of hearts for how much she loves me. Her hand traced then rainbow colored in. And a family portrait with names by each of us.

We worked on a foam door hanger of a monkey and then she played with her play-doh ice cream maker. I taught her how to roll the doh in her hands to make a perfect ball. Then she played with her magnet dolls on the mini fridge.

A great morning of fun and some real one on one time. Note to self. Take the time, slow down, and enjoy your baby while she will still have you.

Feisty.

Preschool freak out

Your wondering if my precious little Bagel is worried, freaked out, and anxious over Preschool? Of coarse not. We've filled her blonde noggin with nothing but happy thoughts.Of playgrounds, friends, and toys.

It's me that's freakin.

Let's see where do I start... I live in a small village (not like in a small hut wear grass skirts kinda village, but when a town is so small they call it a village... well you freak) where everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows something about someone.

Right, so after 7 years of either working my ass off and not being village social, and now being a SAHM and refusing to socialize with anyone. I need to peek my over dyed head out the door and play nice.

Most of the time I am a drama queen but in my own world. I HATE other people's drama, family drama, so I'm not one of 'those' drama queens, just more of a theatrical kinda person, drama queen... get it?

I'm wondering what kind of person people see me as? Just a regular midwestern average SAHM?

I like to think I'm a Rock $tar of sorts. I did once apon a time touch P!nk's hand at a concert so doesn't that make me part Rock $tar of some kind?! I would like to think so.

I love pop music, Britney, Christina, P!nk, No Doubt, and Uncle Kracker, I am quickly falling in love with Ke$ha and Katy Perry, so that give me my happy go lucky attitude. So maybe I'm more SAHM happy?

 But I'm still a Rock $tar attitude, becuase there is my love for Kid Rock, Linkin Park, and Korn. Rock music that says suck it. (putting it nicely) Ah and the music I love that ties with my bad ass attitude is my hip hop. My Missy Elliot, Emimen, Black Eyed Peas, Hollywood Undead. These all say I've got attitude, I won't take your shit, but still fun loving kind of girl?

Or my softer side of some R and B, nothing like some Usher and then just a wee bit of country. (wee bit) as in Kid Rock and Uncle Krackers version of country.

It's all these sides of me. How do I portray myself? I know, it's Bagel's school. Not mine. But I still think it's a social life for me. I'm excited to say the least about having some sort of social life. And I'm not saying I want play dates, but just the school life in general exictes me.

Haha, I guess I like the fact that I can go to school, and do the social part and not so much the homework part is what excites me!! Even though I know all too soon I will be helping Bagel with her homework.

Until then I can focus on little things, like what to wear when I do my drop off and pick up (we have to sign them in and out of school) how about this outfit...

No? Too much? I like. Very much.

FiEsTy

Paddy Cake. Titty kickin' style.

This is it.

The highlight of my Youtube history, sure I love the video's of my kids. But this one.

This one video I have been searching for over a month for. It was saved onto an SD card. Once I figured out how to bring up video's via Youtube, through my SD reader I searched my SD's looking for it.

I grew sad, not finding it. Until I was going through a basket of papers to file (from last year) at the bottom of the basket was 3 SD cards!! And the missing video.

This video is from the summer of 2006. Bagel was just a baby. Maybe a few months at the most.

We were over at my parents house, Queen and Carrots, and my Gramma Alice was visiting too. She LOVED to visit Bagel. The way her face would just light up when she could hold her or feed her a bottle.

Gramma SO wanted to hear Bagel talk, or feed her table food. Sadly my Gramma never got to do any of that. She passed away when Bagel was just 6 months old. She did live 90 long years, with many children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and even 3 great, great grand children!

This is the only video of her and Bagel I ever took. I cherish it, and am glad to share it with you. Trust me. It's awesome.





I miss you Gramma. Everyday. I love you so much. I wish you could see Bagel grow up, and I wish you could have met Weaky. They know of you, I show them your picture and share your story. Thanks for this video.

(and yes people. She is saying "Titty")

Bagel in pictures

What's new with my Bagel? Well let me tell you...

Art room

Bagel was freaking excited about her jumbo glue stick. At this point (3 1/2 yrs) she uses scissors, glue sticks, and my paper cutter (ITS SAFE, and I am ALWAYS around for it!) she uses crayons, and colored pencils, she has lost the freedome of markers, since she ALWAYS has an urge to draw a full beard, mustache, and uno brow with the darkest or brightest color marker.

She loves to stamp, and now that she uses my Big Shot (die cut machine with Stampin' Up! and Sizzix) she loves that too! She loves her playdough, and her paints, and her sticker books too.

This is bagel with glue stick, and her purple paper making valentines for everyone. She glued on die cut hearts and butterflies she die cut out with Gigi the other day.

Bagel also likes to play in my laundry when I am folding it. So instead of getting frusterated at her playing in my clean clothes I have her search for her stuff, and go put it in the right drawer, she thinks this is a big deal. So do I.

Bagel loves Starbucks as much as I do, she and I found on by the dentist, so we go eat sugary things before we go their (she's been getting fitted for an appliace, retainer like thing, so we've gone a few times this month already!) Nothing like a sparkly donut and an organic juice drink (looks like apple sauce in a green pouch)

She also loves to cheese really big for those mommy and Bagel shots!

She wasn't mad, just very chill at the dentist, no nap and the sugar buzz had worn off. I agree with Maternal Mirth, this is one of my favorite shots of her lately. (BTW, we call her dentist, Dr. Purple, this lady has a fetish with purple like Bagel and I do. She has a HUGE purple chair, purple stools, purple walls. But even better? She has purple spit cups, purple gloves and purple bibs to drool on! AND purple heart sunglasses to borrow when you sit in her chair. She is awesome!)

Bagel was bad. Bagel yelled at me to "Shut it up" I gave her a time out. Explained it was mean to say that to mommy. She appologized then wanted to call Queen to tell her. It's like her confessional. My mom loves it, and I like that she can go to the Queen for anything like that even at such a young age.

I had to stop by my dear friend D. Mudd Pimpster's house

(BTW, this is her "THIS NKOTB CONCERT REUNION IS BETTER THEN MY WEDDING DAY"

excited face. Your welcome D Mudd.)

for some WW papers. I brought along Bagel so she could meet D. Mudd's daughter, K Bug. She is just 2, but they played nice together for a bit. I was excited to see them together, and can't wait for more play dates in the future.

Bagel also said something cute last night, she was up late folding laundry with me, and I had a pile for Weaky's room, so I asked her to quietly put it in front of his door, I will put it away in the morning. She said she would "Tick Toe" to his room. Which was her shuffling her feet down the hall. Too funny!

And if you know of the "Tinkerbell" movie well since Bagel has declared her self Tinkerbell, it only seems fit that I am

Queen Clarion. Sure I was sad to not be Tinkerbell anymore, but with my old age (HA!) and being a mom, I like the promotion. On that note she also said that the Queen is...

Fairy Mary. To cute, looks alot like my mom!!

Hope you enjoyed another one of my rambling posts, I need to keep remembering to use my fancy signature I worked so hard on in paint (not the misspelled one either) look forward to a fun post by the cats. They are tired of seeing Sophie on here all the time.

Spaghetti and Bagel

I feel bad that Bagel often says I am her favorite,

sure it's an ego boost, but at the same time a sad moment when she doesn't like Spaghetti.

Maybe it's a phase. I know I will always be her mommy, but I want her to be a daddy's girl.

I don't think this is the way to start it though...

Bagel: "Stupid thing" as she's playing with her toys

Spaghetti: "What's a stupid thing?" falling for the trap

Bagel: "Your a stupid thing, dad. Go get dressed and go to work" goes back to playing with her toys.

Spaghetti: shocked and speachless. Laughs it off, then tells me the story again later. (I was at my downlines house) He laughs on the outside, but inside I would be sad. I know he's gone alot at work. And maybe it's a phase?

Hope so.