Firework

Once upon a time you happened. That moment I was in the bathroom. First floor of our house. I realized I was pregnant. I then found out it was a girl. My dreams and hopes of a little me was coming true.

After 9 long months of pregnancy came you. My baby girl.

I did all the thing I thought I should. I bathed you often, taking care of every detail. Your water, diapers, warm wipes, lotions and towels. Every part of you being. And my care for you was always first priority.

Every moment with you has been amazing. You are just a ray of sunshine when you enter a room. From your ‘All about Me’ attitude, your sassy but sweet approach to each day.

You grew into long blonde hair, big blue eyes, your tiny in size, but again show your mother’s side of pure feisty when anyone challenges you.

 

Your creative, your funny, your outgoing, love to dance, sing, and just be. And this my baby girl is you. The creature who took over my heart and reason for being.

Not that I ever intended to grow up, or be adult like. I for some reason realized I didn’t like children, small does of children, sure, but for to long of time, or if for some reason they got to whiney, or needy, my dislike for them grew.

So being your MOM and a Stay At Home Mom at that, I quickly realized I had to get over my loathing of whiney needy children.

I’ve instead realized that you, like so many other children are the way for adults to remember. To remember that we are all whiney needy people.

That need to be reminded to live. Out loud.

To laugh. At everything. To smile when your mom is ‘frustrated’ or ‘angry’ over barking dogs and spilt milk. To remind her that it’s life. It’s ok.

That’s you. You remind me.

You remind me of the kid that I once was, not only do you fill my heart with love of being your mom, but you make me, me again.

I’m sorry for the PPD. It was a part of me that pulled us apart. Well to me it did. You still look at me every day as if I’m some sort of amazing person. You say I’m the best mommy, the best cook, the funniest. I think I could be better for you. For both of you.

Now being pregnant with the two of you only being 22 months apart it wrecked my brain. I thought I was stronger then PPD. I thought I couldn’t go crazy. I wasn’t on meds, I didn’t see a shrink, I was just dealing with a new life, with two new people to care for. Little people at that.

Barking dogs, screaming kids, whiney kids, husband working 3 jobs, no money, laundry, housework and trying to find the new me all with out losing the old me in the mix, caused me to be in some serious denial of Post Partum Depression.

Often you called me ‘Sad mommy’ or ‘angry mommy’ needing time outs (that’s how I would handle a meltdown) but I feel that I took from you. I took from our time together, and now with your brother I feel I did the same.

But it’s been 5 years my baby. 5 LONG years. Of you and me. Adding in your brother. All of it makes us who we are, and what we are. All this stems from the fact that today was your Preschool graduation.

OMG. I cried typing that out. Pre.school. is OVER for you. I remember your first day. You were SO excited. I was SO upset. I sat in that parking lot and sobbed.
Today I sat with family, and the great preschool mom friends I have made, I cried that in 8 months you went from little girl, just 4 years old to all of a sudden your getting a diploma and the tell me you’re a Kindergartener?! From 3 days a week for 2.5 hours a day. To ALL day on a bus school?! And need I remind you that your FIFTH birthday. Yes 5 is coming up? Two weeks and a day?!

So yesterday I surprised you and POWER cleaned your room. I mean ALL the clothes on the floor, the toys, the mess. It took me ALL day. CLEAN. The mess is of coarse yours, but part my fault. Those clothes went back as far as 24 months. (party lazy me, part that I couldn’t let go, and part I LOATHE laundry of any kinds) Some child with less then you will enjoy them.  And we can go on enjoying your wonderful room.

Writing you this I’m trying to figure where I’m going with it. Is it a “I’m sorry I didn’t give my all the last 5 years” I thought I did then. Looking back I feel like I didn’t. Or is this a “Holy Canoli my baby is growing up SO fast and I can’t hold on to her so I need to jump on and just enjoy the ride” I think it’s both.

As I learned with Maggie May, I didn’t pick her out at the pet store. She picked out me. As did you. Sure I made you, I created you my little human, but you. YOU make me who I am now. You teach me, if not more then I teach you. To be me. To let us be us. If I just LET you and me pick out who we want to be.

To not fight the angry whiney needy child in either of us.

But to embrace who we are. My baby and I. To remember you are me. You’re a tiny version of me, in a WHOLE new world. Let’s enjoy this ride my princess.

In the words of you “Girls only, right mom?” (when your dad is at work and your brother is napping and we have snuck to the art room for some us time)

“Can this just be a girl day?” (when your brother is still asleep and you’ve woken me at 7 am on the weekend)

And hoping that you forget, that there was ever these words uttered by you “Mom I wish you weren’t always angry mommy then sad mommy”

Let’s make this the best summer ever My Bella.

You Feisty Mom.

xoxo…

Emails between me and my dad.

 

----- Original Message -----
From: Feisty
To: carrots
Sent: Friday, March 5, 2010 9:06:21 PM GMT -06:00 US/Canada Central
Subject: A message from Mia.

Hello,

I have to tell you that I was tucking Bagel into bed for the third time (ya know, first time is reading, and singing songs. Second time is for her water to be filled, and the third is to tell me she can't sleep)

So I was tucking her in, and she told me this...

"mommy, I miss my Great Gramma Alice. Can you show me her picture when she was holding baby mia in the morning, and I want to watch the video with her"

It made me smile. I want Bagel to know that even though she only had 6 months with her great Gramma how much she was loved. And I want the kids to know of all their great grandparents.

I thought you would like this.

Love

Feisty

 

There are some kids who don't even know who their parents are, a few more don't remember their grandparents, its even more amazing the ones who have, or had, the opportunity to know their great-grandparents. My mom touched all of us in her own special way, apparently Bagel was touched. Thanks Gack for keeping that memory alive.                                                                                                    Dad

J Town memories

Bagel took over our bed the other morning, made a HUGE circle of pillows and got snug as a bug. She’s quite adorable when she’s sleeping…

 

 

She finally caught me taking pictures, and said “scratch my back” we have a busy day just me and her.

Since we had the Snomaggeddonblizzardnadotsunami and they canceled her Jazz Lyrical class, we have a make up class. It’s at a different park district, not here in town. The city I grew up in.

 

She would NOT stop fighting with her brother, and good for us make up dance was on Tuesday, Spaghetti’s day off. So he stayed home with Weaky.

Since they were fighting we left early. I parked as far from the dance gym as possible, so we could walk and enjoy the whole place. I wanted her to see an ice rink in person.

She watches ice skating on t.v., and so what better then to feel the cold air, and see the ice.

Not thinking I would be flooded with memories, but how quickly I had forgotten that THIS ice rink is where my high school boyfriend taught me to skate, where my (still) good friend would D.J. on weekends, where SO many of my friends and I would hang out. It’s been about 16 years since I’ve been here last…

Bagel loved the bleachers, she got to touch the ice, and for the first time ever, NO one else was in there. Just her and I. After climbing the bleachers (3x’s) and touching the ice. She then grabs my hand doing the excited dance and says “Thanks for taking me to the ice house, this is nice, you and me”

 

 

Then we walked through to see the new addition, the fitness gym was above us, and looked amazing, but in the hall way below, outside of the indoor pool had the coolest furniture. Funky chairs, and this wavy bench that Bagel loved.

We finally made it to the ‘munchkin land’ as they call it. Where they have preschool, kindergarten and special classes for kids.

Bagel had a great time during the dance part of class. Miss Karen is awesome with the kids. The last 20 minutes is some sort of tumbling, or balance for the girls. This place had the COOLEST set up (according to the girls)

 

The climbed, jumped, rolled and hopped their way through this.

 

 

(roll like a crayon Miss Karen says!)

They also practiced summersaults. Bagel took tumbling when she was 3, so she knew the basics, I was exhausted watching them, they did SO many rounds of summersaults, I lost count!

What a fantastic day with Bagel and I, we spent the morning just us girls. Saw new things, old memories and made some new ones of our own!

Feisty

The Angry Mom

I went to bed at 10:02 pm. Pretty early, but good to get into the habit since I enjoy my morning silence.

Woke up at 5:23 just a few minutes before Spaghetti is off to work, earliest I’ve been up in a long time. Nice to see him before he leaves for work.

I lay back in bed and decide to flip around on tv, nothing much. Some infomercials, Full House, decided on Boy Meets World. Then at 6:08, Bagel is knocking on my door.

I’m not the old me. The old me, that would infuriatingly yell at her daughter to go back to bed. And leave me alone AT least till there is a 7 on the clock!

It was the newer me. The me who stops myself from yelling. But I still was grumbly. Telling her to give me a minute. My bad for thinking getting up at 5:30 was going to give me so much ‘me time’ I needed to go in the bathroom for a minute.

Sigh. Never mind.

We go down from the second floor, as Weaky sleeps in. (thankyouverymuch) I start the coffee, and start to eat a banana. Bagel comes in, and sits at the sliding glass door, looking out to the deck.

I then remember that today we are going to Kindergarten Round up, to register Bagel for school.

I sit on the floor rug next to her. Just me and her.

Normally there are two big boxers all in our face if we sit on the floor, or her brother wanting to sit too, some one is whining, someone is crying, a dog is barking, and SO much needs to be done, I don’t have the patience to sit there.

 

 

Today was different. Maybe it’s because my baby is going to Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday is right around the corner. I only see this girl. A 15 month old baby. But in reality I have this… a feisty big girl.

       

No longer a baby, sassy, mind of her own, and when I’m paying attention ONE creative chica.

She’s smart. She writes her name, draws pictures well. Sings, plays. Loves markers over crayons, but paint is her favorite. She’s a play-doh junkie. If I had to explain her in Disney terminology she would be a

Tink.

She’s silly, and cute like Tinkerbell. She’s got the feisty fire in her like a Tinkerbell. But my favorite part? She’s a Tinkerer.

My dad is, I am for sure, and so it’s only fit that my Mia is not as girly as she looks, she’s very hands on and I love it.

 

BUT she is a girl, and she loves to dress up, let’s not forget the Tinker part, so add in a bit of princess (but not to much) and you get Rapunzel. Part princess but barefoot, and strong minded. Open to explore, and enjoy adventures.

That is my Bagel.

And as I sat with her this morning, at the sliding glass door, I realized that my baby was getting big. And I need to stop being poor me, and take that quiet morning with my baby girl and enjoy every second, before she’s too cool to hang out with me, or to sit with me and talk about the melted snow.

As we sat in silence for a minute. She looks at me and says “Mom. I like you right now. Like that time I was in the tub and told you that your usually sad or mad. Not now. Now your nice and happy. Will you stay this way”

Sigh. I hope so Bagel. I hope the PTSD me, the PPD me, is gone. I will always look over my shoulder, knowing I won’t be the carefree me before kids, but trying to laugh more every day and do what one amazing mom once told me to do.

She said that ALL we need to do in this life is breathe. Just. Breathe. So I breathe.

I said to Bagel, I hope that I can stay this way. And instead of shooing her off to the tv room, so I can sit on the lap top, we finished the morning, with some marker art. She drew me flowers, and said “remember the other day when you showed me how to draw a flower with petals and leaves and the grass?! I did that and look! Just like you showed me”

She drew a lion blue, with orange fur. A map of how to get to bed. A page of hearts for how much she loves me. Her hand traced then rainbow colored in. And a family portrait with names by each of us.

We worked on a foam door hanger of a monkey and then she played with her play-doh ice cream maker. I taught her how to roll the doh in her hands to make a perfect ball. Then she played with her magnet dolls on the mini fridge.

A great morning of fun and some real one on one time. Note to self. Take the time, slow down, and enjoy your baby while she will still have you.

Feisty.

A note to the spider.

Dear Spider,

In a weird way I love you. Even though you all of your kind send a chill down my spine. I have come to terms that you love it here. And the fact that many orb weavers and wolf spiders call my home theirs, is ok. AS long as it is the OUT.SIDE. of my home.

No the garage doesn't count and I don't care if it's cold or rainy out. AND the basement is SO off limits. That is either the t.v. room, or my art room, even though I have had the pleasure of sitting at my art desk and on 3 occasions had my cat bring me a dead spider (I take that back, once it was a fly)SO again. No go there either.

Now I have to explain the point of my ode to the house hold spider.

This is I am SURE of what I will hear for the next few weeks...

Bagel will say...

Once upon a time. I was sleeping behind my bedroom door,

because GOD forbid I sleep in my bed. I have slept behind the door around the little corner area for about 8 months. Can we say big bed WAY to early?!?

and all of a sudden I started to POUND on my bedroom door,

as if a 20 foot 7000 lb tarantula was going to eat me, and mommy raced to safe me, or count to ten and try not to freak out because it's 10:30 at night, and Bagel is being a bad, bad girl...

because there was a BIG spider right by my head!! And so mommy came to save me!

The end.

Mommy loves this story, and this spider (who is dead now) but I was able to use that to tell her that spiders live in that corner behind her door. And that she should sleep in her big girl bed and she will be safe.

We have stuffed animals of all kinds on watch tonight for all bugs. The are told to destroy at first glance. Bagel is tucked into her bed, head covered, small blue eyes and little blonde bangs peeking out.

I am maybe a bit early and jinxing myself here. But I can only hope that the help of a spider will get that kid to sleep in her damn bed. (don't get me wrong there are WAY other concerns for parents out there, but this is mine. And it's getting to be a pet peeve)

Thanks spider. But stay off her bed, because I am SO screwed if you fuckers show up there...

You can fly!

Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday to you.

Happy Birthday dear Bagel,

Happy Birthday to you!

Bagel,

3 years ago right now, I was told that we were going to start pushing. Well I was also told that it may take a few hours since you were my first baby. She was right. Even though I had been in the hospital since 6:11 am on June 1st, it wasn't until 1:23 am on June 2nd that you were born.

I am enjoying you grow up. And how you never slow down! Your feisty energy is a great example as to why you insisted on a Tinkerbell Birthday Party, Queen and Carrots are redoing your room ALL Tinkerbell. Mommy & Daddy are getting you all Tink accessories (besides her kids camera, and her Pooh learning laptop)

I would like to note here, all your new achievements. And as much as it pains me to see you grow SO fast. I am proud of how quick you are to learn, and how independent you are becoming!

You have mastered getting dressed. Your still frustrated with buttons though.

You conquered the ladder for the tree house (minus the tree, more like a fort) and you even go down the big wavvy slide ALL by yourself. After just a few days, you go up the slide, then go down backwards! Your crazy!!

You had NO fear getting into the pool today, even if it was just 76 degrees in there!

You love to go in the fridge and get me the BIG milk, and chocolate syrup for your chocolate milk.

You like to help me put the sheets on your bed.

You pedal your bike SO well!

Your vocabulary is SO big. I swear you add a dozen words a day to it!

Your getting SO into letting me do your hair! Fun clips and different looks every day!

You love your new friend, Orange the frog who lives in our garden.

You love to garden with me or Queen.

You just had your 1st playdate with the neighbor girl, Alex, last week! Too cute!

These are just a few of the many milestones you have hit. I am SO proud of you, and no matter what anyone every says.

You can fly.

I love you. More then my life.

Mommy

xoxo...

See you when the sun comes up

(Bagel is sleeping on Nikki & Loren's couch in Nashville, on our last night there)

Tonight it is crazy rain storming outside. And as a little girl I loved to open the window in the spring, and watch the rain fall.


I still do.


The last few nights I have enjoyed the rainfall from Bagel's room. After getting her ready for bed, we go to the window and watch the rain.

For about 10 minutes there is just us. The rain. And an exchange of smiles every so often.


We listen for the birds, the cars and to watch the clouds move.


Tonight instead of me tucking Bagel into bed, she wanted to stay up and to watch more rain. I said if she needed to go to bed, she could. Or just to let me know, and I would come and put her into bed.

I thought what a big girl!


I was out of her room for about 3 minutes, when she was crying. I went in to her telling me that it was scary with out me. I should close her window, and she needed to go to bed.


I promptly shut her window, not wanting to make her afraid of something we loved. Scooped her up with her green blankie, and off to bed.


After tucking her in, and a few rounds of Twinkle Twinkle, I always end the night with

"Are you Snug as a Bug in a Rug?"

Bagel will say "yes" or nod her curly blonde head of hair.

Then I follow with the next question of "When will I see you again?"

And Bagel will say "When the sun comes up, Mommy"


I love that. For all those times I have no patience's, or can't stand all the whining. I sit and I soak in these moments. The moments where she is just a sweet little girl.


Good Night my baby. I love you.

More then my life.

Mommy.
xo...

I big puffy red heart you

Did you ever have those days where you just woke up and wanted to just give each child every second of your attention? Where you are just SO full of love for them, that you are thinking, Zoo, Aquariums, Museums, Park, Toys, Sandbox... all in one day? Just to see smiles on there faces?

And then you quickly realize that you can not possibly do it all. Nor do you have any funds... so the back yard swing, the sandbox and the 9 zillion toys will do.

I mean don't get me wrong, I have MORE then my fair share of whining, and crying, and violence twards siblings then any mom would want. But I still love them SO much, and seeing them laugh is just the best cure for any shitastical day.

I was walking in my garden (I will have to tell you later, but my dad built me garden boxes! 3 feet deep and 20 feet long! Two of them!!) which is mostly dirt and seeds, but it calms me, and Bagel was walking with me. I set her down to knee down by my corkscrew willow trees, and she hops up on my back and in the tiniest little voice she whispers "Yeeha, mommy! Yeeha!"

So onto all 4's I crawl around in circles as Bagel giggles and squeals. Saying "Faster! Yeeha!" Thank goodness she's a tiny 25 pounder!

And while she was napping today, Weaky and me went back out to the garden, I just put out these little pinwheels. 6 of them, all different colors. I sat down next to where they were in the garden, Indian style. While he sat facing me in my lap. When the wind would blow them he would laugh, and clap!

Then I took him out to the airplane swing out back. His first time in that swing. He wanted to clap, but I think he was too busy hanging on!

I hope my children are as easy to amuse as I always have been. Some people would say that as an insult to me. I didn't get it. I mean to just find the most simple thing in life, or just to use your imagination is SO much more fun.

I find children amazing, and that there job in life right now is to explore, discover, and create is just awesome that I get to watch them go through it. I love staying home with them. It's something I find myself very grateful for in these times.

I love you my babies.

Mommy

xo...