Let. It. Be.

 

I had a cousin. Her name was Jenna. She was 31 and died this last winter of brain cancer. She was brave. Always optimistic. Her mom, herself, and her sister all got matching tattoos that read ‘Let it be’ from the Beetles song.

Not saying they were big Beetles groupies, but they liked the idea behind the song, and to not sweat the small stuff.

They threw a party in Jenna’s memory, and at that party a friend made necklaces out of pop tops, with an image of a peach (Jenna’s nickname was Peaches) and it said ‘Let it be’ over it.

I wear it often, because lately I’ve had to channel my inner Jenna, to remind myself that life is to short to sweat the details, the childish behavior of some people, the petty fighting, the name calling. It’s all to much anymore.

My life is too short to fight over this. My energy is not worth the anxiety. My children don’t need me back in ‘ANGRY MOM’ mode. It’s just not fair.

I took this picture of myself last night. I was sitting on my parents fireplace ledge. I was happy to be celebrating my birthday, but mentally exhausted from the weeks before of all the drama around what is supposed to be the planning of a trip to the happiest place on earth.

I am strong. I am tired. I am done. I’m tired of insults. Of words that hurt. Of crushed souls. Of greed. Of hate. Of who’s side are you on?  I want to ‘Let it be’. In the words of Jenna, Carol and Tess… oh and the Beetles… can we please just ‘Let it be’

Feisty

Brain Full.

Right SO I haven’t done one of these posts in a while but if I don’t do this now my brain will explode from all the stuff I want to blog about… my apologies some may be rant-ish, and some may be babbly. Either way enjoy.

Had a fantastic day at the county fair with my parents, Queen and Carrots, and my sister Francis. The kids LOVE to see the animals and I’m a sucker for goats.

For Francis’s 30th birthday my mom bought the 3 of us tickets for a meet and greet with some of the General Hospital Soap stars. 26 women got to hang out, talk to, ask questions and enjoy 3 hours with Tyler Christopher (Nicholas Cassadine), and Jason Thompson (Patrick Drake) very funny guys, down to earth. And we asked ANYTHING we wanted.

Enjoyed a fantastic Sunday in Chicago, at the 42nd Annual Pride Parade (my 5th parade) with my bestie Aerial, and my cousin Rob and his partner Phil.

It was fun, relaxing and as always special to be with my cousin.
Right and so I’ve been super busy with tons of fun things going on, BUT I’ve got crazy going on too.
~ Weaky is potty training. It’s one of those where I was trying, on and off, and NOT getting my hopes up. And then Thursday he was REALLY into it. And MAD when he had to wear a diaper. SO Friday even though we were at the fair we tried to keep the momentum going. (resulted in two outfit changes) BUT going strong today. Alex Pee 4. Alex Poop 2. Alex miss 1. Not to shabby if you ask me. God I HATE potty training. But not as much as wiping shit off of someones but, so I’ve just got to suck it up and hope it sticks this time! (note he is 3 years and 2 months old)
~We should be getting a $35 check in the mail (mid August by the time the 4-6 weeks is up) from ComEd our elecrtic company. They are PAYING ME, for taking an old deep freezer off our hands. Trying to go green and dispose of all these energy wasting appliances. And it was! The seal was broke so it ran ALL the time. Good bye! Just miss the extra space and have to buy ONLY what fits in my kitchen freezer.
~ Glad my kids are signed up for NOTHING this summer. I’m calling it the summer of NO commitments. I almost enjoy saying NO to people. No classes, no vacations, no lessons, no clubs. Nothing. Just the 4 of us enjoying the summer.
~Spaghetti is planning on leaving the Video store by the end of August. OMG. He’s been there since October 2005, it was just for extra money, and it will be tight with out the job, we are doing better financially and it’s just not worth the stress of having to work a job with no set schedule.
~We had to buy a $250 fence to put around our pool. Mind you we do not have a deck and it’s above ground. BUT I caught Weaky trying to stack small toy stools to see in the pool one day. I about had a heart attack, refused to let him out till the fence was ordered and up. NO way was my baby even going NEAR the back yard till it was safe. So now we swim in a cage. But that’s ok, my baby is safe.
~ I’m still over weight, I have NO excuses, just haven’t gotten the proper motivation. Besides the fact that I need an inhaler to walk my house stairs now, and squatting and standing up KILLS my legs. BUT I’m a pretty self confident person and like my mom says as long as I can rock cute hair, and a cute outfit, I’m ok with myself. Still hoping for some motivation soon.
~Paid the appliace man $129 to come and turn the dryer button on and it worked. WTF. I was like WHAT?! For two weeks it just hummed, and wouldn’t go on. Since he had to charge me regardless for coming out, he said he’d just clean the WHOLE thing for me so I wasn’t paying for nothing. Looks like an angel was watching over us, because the guy showed me how close we were to a lint fire. He said about 1/2 inch more of lint and we would have. Yikes. Worth the $129 to have him come out.
~I swear it’s only July 2nd and my kids are DRIVING me NuCkInG fUtS.
~Right so on that note, I have laundry up the ass and dishes to do, and a house to clean. The kids are driving me crazy, I just hope that Spaghetti takes them in the pool and I can clean in peace!
I told you this was going to be a wack post. Rambly and whiney, but I warned you! Happy 4th!
Feisty

It’s official. I’m an adult.

 

Here’s the background on that… Once upon a time, Spaghetti and I were engaged to be married. In that time we agreed on this.

“We will NEVER grow up. We WILL do adult things, like pay bills, buy a house, care for children. BUT in that process even though we LOOK like adults, we will NOT grow up. Promise?”

I even painted a cartoon of us on this conversation. (I should scan that into the computer…) But the ‘official’ part comes with realizing these things…

 

1. I’m excited that today is day 3 of waking, on my own, at 6:30 am. As a result going to bed at no later then 10:30 pm. AND so the washer/dryer already running, coffee is half drank, dogs fed, best part. I got an hour by myself this morning!

2. My girlfriend time, is either on Facebook chat, or phone with my BFF. (I should work on that, I DO need more in real life friend time)

3. I look forward to a crazy breakfast of  an almost 5 year old girl telling her brother how to eat, but all he wants to do is hold his Wuzzy Bear and suck his thumb.

 

 

4. The big event of the week is on Wednesday’s and it’s my daughters Jazz Lyrical class. (see her at the end of the line. See Weaky in stroller (yes in his footies) dancing along.)

5. The most comparable thing I have to a hang over is ‘OMG I stayed up till after midnight, watching a movie, AND had junk food! I am insane! That can’t happen again! I’ll need to sleep till at least 8:00 am to function!!’

 

6. My husbands getting dressed and going out, is to play tug of war with the dogs for 30 minutes in the snow.

 

 

7. We have painted the VERY bright and playful blue bathroom grey, now with accents of red and black.

And NOW are in the process of selling Spaghetti’s pool table, to turn the BIGGEST room in the house, the room that is right off the kitchen, the ‘Sports room’, the brick RED room, with FULL size pool table, and TONS of sports memorabilia, into a comfortable t.v. room for the WHOLE family. (In my defense against changing this room, we have NOT played pool at this table since May 2010!!) While planning the room change, Spaghetti sighed, looked at me and said… “Don’t tell anyone this. But we are becoming more and more like grown ups.” Sigh. We are. But I’m almost enjoying it.

8. I drink my coffee black.

That right there should say enough. I used to drink a cup of sugar with a bit of coffee. Not kidding. 4 TABLESPOONS of sugar to a CUP of coffee?! Went black. Cold turkey, dropped 5 lbs REAL fast. Now to find a way to drop the other 30 lbs. real fast.

9. Planning for retirement is something we’ve been working on for 12 years already. Not kidding. The 401K hotline is on speed dial in Spaghetti’s phone, checking it at least once every two weeks.

AND the number 10 reason why I’m officially an adult…

10. This weekend is my BFF’s sisters birthday. Now each year they go all out. As in ALL out. Get hair did, shop all day one day, go to Chicago, stay in a fancy pants hotel for a few days, see the city, drink fruffy drinks, go to clubs. It’s a 3 day, sometimes more event.

Sounds awesome. And not to poo poo it, cuz I’d go if it was me. But for years I was happy for them, but that tiny pang of “I’d have to take out a small loan, get a baby sitter, and some one would have to pry these pajama/yoga pants and my favorite Glee T-shirt away from me and I think I have a pair of heels around here somewhere.” it was a thing where I was ecstatic that my BFF was getting an awesome weekend away, and bonding with her sister. (I did get to attend once at dinner via drunk dial by them. THAT was funny)

But it was never a jealous thing, more of a it would take a small army to get me to be able to go out. And I was wishing I could do that.

Now you ask? I’m ecstatic that they are out, having a blast but I’d rather stay in. I enjoy my family, my kids, and a hot weekend for me away from my family? Would be a 2 night, 3 day crop. Where I drag ALL my scrapbook supplies to a place that is designed for nothing but scrapbookers. I would eat, sleep (maybe) and scrapbook. I would spend the time away from my family, scrapbooking my family!

And now that pang of ‘I wish I could do that’ is gone. Elated they are having a great time. But at the age of 32 1/2 I’m good right now. (and yes I still say 1/2, I’m saying I’m an adult, not a grown up)

I’m good with home. Kids. Husband. Pets. Reality t.v.

Dance class is my big event. My social life is Survivor, Amazing Race, Real World, Bachelor, Grey’s, Storage Wars and Jersey Shore. And I love it.

So it’s official. I am an… Adult.

(one feisty, unconventional, silly, sometimes childish, and ridiculously goofy adult)

FeIsTy

Sunrise

I loved the way the clouds each had bits of sunshine on them, but still a dark side too. I loved how there were SO many clouds up there. I don’t normally see the sunrise.

My bedroom is on the west side of the house, and I am usually still in bed at this time. But that New Years resolution of routine is finally here. Well part of it. My sink is gross, my coffee is left over from yesterday, and I am doing some lame attempt at getting my laundry in order.

BUT going to bed at or before 10 is what IS working. It also keeps ups from snacking late. I will let you know on Sunday night, and Monday night (Spaghetti’s Friday and Saturday) if we followed through or were up super late and ate bad foods!

I’m also enjoying blogging this early! I don’t have screaming kids around, it’s pure silence right now, it’s almost maddening! As much as I have this free time, the whole hour of silence, I could start dishes, or laundry, but I’m just enjoying the sun start to cover the dried grass in the front yard, and watch the Robins (yes Robins!) poke around for worms!

It’s a wonderful morning and I hope it stays this way. I hope I get more mornings like this. Where I sit on my big couch, in the corner, with my water, my laptop on the end table.

Wishful thinking!

Feisty

ps. did you guys read anywhere about the font ‘Comic Sans’ and how people are ‘over it’ I found it amusing because that is STILL my favorite font. Easy to read, bold and still not as boring as Ariel! Just wondering…

The Angry Mom

I went to bed at 10:02 pm. Pretty early, but good to get into the habit since I enjoy my morning silence.

Woke up at 5:23 just a few minutes before Spaghetti is off to work, earliest I’ve been up in a long time. Nice to see him before he leaves for work.

I lay back in bed and decide to flip around on tv, nothing much. Some infomercials, Full House, decided on Boy Meets World. Then at 6:08, Bagel is knocking on my door.

I’m not the old me. The old me, that would infuriatingly yell at her daughter to go back to bed. And leave me alone AT least till there is a 7 on the clock!

It was the newer me. The me who stops myself from yelling. But I still was grumbly. Telling her to give me a minute. My bad for thinking getting up at 5:30 was going to give me so much ‘me time’ I needed to go in the bathroom for a minute.

Sigh. Never mind.

We go down from the second floor, as Weaky sleeps in. (thankyouverymuch) I start the coffee, and start to eat a banana. Bagel comes in, and sits at the sliding glass door, looking out to the deck.

I then remember that today we are going to Kindergarten Round up, to register Bagel for school.

I sit on the floor rug next to her. Just me and her.

Normally there are two big boxers all in our face if we sit on the floor, or her brother wanting to sit too, some one is whining, someone is crying, a dog is barking, and SO much needs to be done, I don’t have the patience to sit there.

 

 

Today was different. Maybe it’s because my baby is going to Kindergarten. Her 5th birthday is right around the corner. I only see this girl. A 15 month old baby. But in reality I have this… a feisty big girl.

       

No longer a baby, sassy, mind of her own, and when I’m paying attention ONE creative chica.

She’s smart. She writes her name, draws pictures well. Sings, plays. Loves markers over crayons, but paint is her favorite. She’s a play-doh junkie. If I had to explain her in Disney terminology she would be a

Tink.

She’s silly, and cute like Tinkerbell. She’s got the feisty fire in her like a Tinkerbell. But my favorite part? She’s a Tinkerer.

My dad is, I am for sure, and so it’s only fit that my Mia is not as girly as she looks, she’s very hands on and I love it.

 

BUT she is a girl, and she loves to dress up, let’s not forget the Tinker part, so add in a bit of princess (but not to much) and you get Rapunzel. Part princess but barefoot, and strong minded. Open to explore, and enjoy adventures.

That is my Bagel.

And as I sat with her this morning, at the sliding glass door, I realized that my baby was getting big. And I need to stop being poor me, and take that quiet morning with my baby girl and enjoy every second, before she’s too cool to hang out with me, or to sit with me and talk about the melted snow.

As we sat in silence for a minute. She looks at me and says “Mom. I like you right now. Like that time I was in the tub and told you that your usually sad or mad. Not now. Now your nice and happy. Will you stay this way”

Sigh. I hope so Bagel. I hope the PTSD me, the PPD me, is gone. I will always look over my shoulder, knowing I won’t be the carefree me before kids, but trying to laugh more every day and do what one amazing mom once told me to do.

She said that ALL we need to do in this life is breathe. Just. Breathe. So I breathe.

I said to Bagel, I hope that I can stay this way. And instead of shooing her off to the tv room, so I can sit on the lap top, we finished the morning, with some marker art. She drew me flowers, and said “remember the other day when you showed me how to draw a flower with petals and leaves and the grass?! I did that and look! Just like you showed me”

She drew a lion blue, with orange fur. A map of how to get to bed. A page of hearts for how much she loves me. Her hand traced then rainbow colored in. And a family portrait with names by each of us.

We worked on a foam door hanger of a monkey and then she played with her play-doh ice cream maker. I taught her how to roll the doh in her hands to make a perfect ball. Then she played with her magnet dolls on the mini fridge.

A great morning of fun and some real one on one time. Note to self. Take the time, slow down, and enjoy your baby while she will still have you.

Feisty.

Fuck me in the goat ass

What? Fuck me.

I woke up yesterday feeling like I gargled sand. Hoping to shake it, I took an Airborne. I went to bed with what I thought was the begining of a cold.

Damn them all. I was right. Headache, sore throat, mucas in head. Gross. Best part is I've got shit to do this week. And by that I mean more then my usual sit around and play mommy/laudry bitch.

Today will hopefully be rest, and pick up around the house when I am up to it. Oh and get stuff together for the garage sale

Tomorrow is the get together (here of coarse) for Weaky's birthday. (Just grandparents, Frances and Aerial)

Thursday is my Lia Sophia party, damn it. I told the lady I was busy as shit this week, but for Sarah to get her "party credit" I had to book in April. Pushy bitch. I just want my free stuff.

Friday is set up, and presale garage sale day out at my mom's.

Saturday is the big Garage sale day. Huge day the whole damn subdivision does it at the same time, tons of money can be made, BUT feeling like shit won't help.

So that's my pre coffee bitch for the day. Spaghetti will be of no use, he has back to back jobs all week (except for Weaky's birthday party)

Fuack. me. in. the. goat. ass.

A big ol' stressed out fuck you.

Bitter.

Bitch.

That's me.

One angry. Bitter. Annoyed. Bitch. I'm sad. I'm depressed on a slight level.

Why?

Because of nothing big. But all the little stupid shit in my life.

When I say it out loud it sound insane, childish, and minute.

Because things like "the dog barfed down 3 carpeted steps then on the back door rug, all while the kids are having a screaming match, and we haven't had sunshine in two fucking weeks, and we have NO money to buy food with" reasons.

Money stresses me out. It stresses everyone out. ALOT. People have it SO much worse then me. People don't pay on things and they don't have food at all. I on the other hand can scrape together enough money to pay for bills, then buy food. Barely. I mean barely as in "man I hope Spaghetti's second job check is at least $64 so we can pay the rest of the electric bill, and have a enough money to buy milk and diapers this week."

Don't mind that the dog food is running low, we need an oil change in the car (as in the light went on, need it) we need to pay dental bills and now preschool tuition is due, that's all on the back burner though...

I'm stressed because I want to start a business with my mom, in my heart I see it already there, but in my mind it's never going to be.

I'm stressed because my cousin and his partner are splitting up, I want it to work for him and his boyfriend, I do. I just want him to stay clean from drinking durring this time too.

I'm stressed because my cousin is looking for any spare furniture, food, clothes, that can be given to her because she is a single mom of two (because she doesn't understand what contraceptive is) and she keeps going back to the abusive baby daddy, who drinks and does drugs. AND she's moving in with her brother who drinks and does drugs... so where is this helping you cousin? You lived for FREE with the government housing, they potty trained your kid, paid all your fucking medical, watched them so you could go through AA and get your GED. But your leaving ALL that not getting your GED so you can move on? Be free? You are a stupid fuck and everything is handed to you. Spaghetti has to work 3 jobs to pay for all that you get handed to you. Fuck you and your hand outs. I'm keeping my shit, and selling it at a yard sale so I can by my fucking family dinner. What a waste.

I am stressed about my weight. It's effecting my mood, my life, my self esteem, my energy. Maybe if I lost 32.5 lbs I would be a bit less bitchy and a bit more happy.

Maybe all you have to do is write me comments. And stop lurking me.

Maybe all I need is a love letter. It's the only thing I ask for. Sign my book you got me, and write me a love letter. I just want to be reminded why I get up everyday.

And if you (readers) tell me it's for my two precious children I already fucking know that. I live for them. I just want to do it with someone who loves me. You say you love me? Just write it down. Make me feel pretty again, make me feel needed, make me feel like I'm something to write about.

please...

and readers, no need to panic, the turtle ice cream cake left over from Spaghetti's birthday is keeping me company, I am as always just being dramatic. But it's my drama damn it... mine...

I can see clearly now.

I was over at Cristins blog, Tiptoeing through the Tulips she had this fun link for The Spin Cycle, to weird each time I wanted to right click on it, I got a message that said "Oh I'm picking out a thermos for you" not kidding.

So I left clicked and followed the link, to Sprites Keeper, because that's all I need is another blog to follow! There are not enough hours in the day people! I love to many blogs!!

Alright, so to the matter at hand, I get to put my spin on a subject.

AND today being the special Holiday that it is... MLK day, I thought that should be a great subject!

Ready? Because it's about race. And how I feel about it. How I was raised around it. And how I am now about it.

If you haven't noticed I am white, pretty pasty at that, kinda see through opaque colored skin. Blonde hair, blue eyes. I am Italian, Polish, German, French, English and American Indian. I married a Irish, German, Welsh dark haired guy, who is a shade tanner then I am. We have two blonde haired, blue eyed children. Post family for "white people" is where I'm going with this.

I was raised in a City with many mixed races south of Chicago, BUT I grew up going to a Catholic school, with ALL white kids, only a few hispanics (the town is FULL of Catholic schools 8 to be exact) the Catholic school 4 blocks away was mostly blacks, hispanics and some white kids.

So back to me. I was raised around white people, I heard my elder relatives use the N word like it was any other word in the dictionary. Like it was ok. I was told to NEVER use it around black people. But it was ok to say it behind their backs, and that every race had a nick name. Even white people.

Once I graduated grade school I went to a public school, given the choice from my parents, they would pay for Catholic H.S. if I would TRY hard. If not I could just go to public school. Well shit, if your offering me the easy way, lets go public.

I was in a school where your class was about 650+ students, average about 2600 students. A mix of the preppy kids with money from the West side, the lower income kids from the East side, and then us middle class kids. Let's just say I was open to new idea's, excited to move on, grade school was great but I wanted to make new friends, and maybe be cool for once in my life. (going from my safe little Catholic school to was myself and 5 other kids. Mix the 6 of us into 2600 other people, and let's just say I didn't see my old friends much)

I was overwhelmed by the kids, but welcoming to the different styles, cliques, and people around me. Let's move to my first day at lunch. I went through the line wondering if I could find an empty table to sit at. Wondering if someone would invite me over. I leave the line and find a table near the door, there is an Chinese girl sitting there, she looks up and smiles, she asks me to sit with her. Fun, a new friend, she reminded me of my pen pal from China I had when I was younger. This girls name was Yi. She had a friend to sit with us, Isidra, she was hispanic. Isidra had a friend named Elicia, she was black. It was a mix of 4 races and from that day forward, I vowed to never use racial slurs again.

I spent my 4 years in H.S. making friends, meeting people with families from different coutries, and who spoke different languages, and had these great cultures. I had some white friends who still used the N word and it was dirtier then the smoking habits they had.

After H.S. I met Spaghetti, we had a discussion about the N word, and how he NEVER used it, and he explained his reasons. I fell in love with his reasons. And it made me a better person because of it. I then worked at a bank, and I met T. she was tall, beautiful, smart, and friendly. She had a great family, and was a wonderful people person.

T and I went out one night, to dance, drink and be friends.

Yea, that was me. The gap poster child, in my little black boots, jeans and sweater. T was a stylish girl who had helped me get ready, gave me rules about boys, and showed me how to dance (not like a white girl)

She gave me her cell number, and after a few months of hanging out, and being introduced to her friends as her girl, I decided to tell her.

I asked her to go into the bankers office with me where we worked, and it wouldn't take long. We sat, and she seemed scared. I said this may be dumb to you, but here it goes. I told her I valued her friendship, and I wanted her to know it ment more to me then she knew. She opened my eyes, and taught me to value people as people. Not as a color. I told her that she was the first black person I had talked to on the phone, rode in a car with, and socially hung out with.

When Spaghetti and I were planning our wedding one of his groomsman backed out, due to expense of travel plans. We could be uneven in numbers, but Spaghetti suggested his co-worker B. I said sure. I was nervous around B, he was a big black guy, and was a bit thug is, known for being a playa, of playa's. I was excited about him being in the bridal party though, he showed me again, not to judge.

A funny side story, B invited us to his wedding a few months later, and Spaghetti and I were the ONLY white people there. Let me tell you if no one noticed, they sure did when we were doing the Cha cha slide, and I was the only one who did the confused head turn when everyone did the Charlie Brown. To make it more obvious, they made the d.j. replay the song, so they could all teach me the Charlie Brown. Mind you each time I am at wedding of mostly white people, I proudly do the Charlie Brown to this song.

I have friends that I scrapbook with. I meet with them. And after the 3 black girls leave, they often let the N word slip. I was floored.

Floored.

These are the girls that are SUPER Christians, and way ANTI swearing, and it confused me that they said this. They laughed at me and said some people don't get it. I guess I don't. I still see them, but after hearing the N, word and other nightly discussions of how gays are delusional people that are just gross. I still attend meetings, and events, but just not so much hanging out afterwards. Now let me state that they all know how I feel, and that I am offended by them, some of them say I am silly, but a few say that we should agree to disagree, and that they like me because I stand up for what I believe in. Even if we don't agree.

I grew up with everyone saying, let's be color blind. Sure let's all be black and white, or gray? Nope. I like something else I heard. Let's NOT be color blind. Let's see everyones colors, and embrace the differences that we all have. Realize we are all human.

I love having friends of all races, I am slighlty bothered that I live in a small country village of 98% white people. That they are mostly conservative, republicans, who are afraid of having any other race in town, for it will go down in value. I loved it when my new neighbor moved in and she is a hispanic, single mom with two beautiful children, fathered by a white guy, but she's now dating a black guy. I love it. I think she almost cried when I told her to come hang out on our deck so we could meet her boyfriend. She said I was the first neighbor to speak to her. She's lived her for almost 2 years. We agree on hip hop music, and said when the neighbors blast their country crap from their garages we should blast a bit of Kanye their way.

I vow to make it my mission to make sure my children understand other races, cultures, and lifestyles. That they judge only after they get to know someone. I take it upon myself and Spaghetti to teach them this.

So Happy MLK day everyone. Thank you MLK for opening my eyes, so Spaghetti and I can teach our children to respect others. Thank you.

MY driving rules.

If you choose to drive where I am driving I ask kindly that you go by MY rules. Enjoy.


Highway. I am a left laner. Sometimes a mid laner. NEVER a right laner (unless my exit is 3/4 of a mile away) Here are my Highway rules

• If I am in the mid lane, it is usally because I am moving over for some psycho that is going WAY faster then me (speed limit 65, I go about 72-74 some freakshows go about 90)
• DO NOT ride my ass. I WILL NOT move over. WHEN you back off, I will move over. RIDING my ass will only infuriate me, because I almost always have my kids on board (and NO I don't have one of those stupid yellow signs, sorry if you do) and now you've struck the "PROTECT CHILDREN FREAK MODE IN ME" so back the fuck off. Thankyou.
• Role reversal. IF you are in the left lane and you see (you should notice cars behind you, which I notice that SO many people do not) me coming up behind you, at a MUCH fast pace then you. Realize you do NOT belong in my lane. Move over. I won't ride your ass, but I will be right here waiting. Don't make me do the right lane pass, I really hate doing that.
• Right lane passing. Alright so I'm a hypocrite on this one. I only do it if you suck ass, and are going 60 in my left lane, and the whole rest of the free world has passed you on the right I too must move on with my life.
• Hypocrite me. Right lane passing of me is fine, if I'm doing my 73 mph and your going 102 mph and need to swerve around me because your going SO fast that I am practially at a stand still. Sure. BUT if you see that I am putting on my blinker. PLEASE note, I will move my car OVER asap. Ride my ass, and it takes me a good 20 seconds of blinker to even consider moving over.
• Merging. Oh for fucks sake this one BLOWS my mind. (this next point is spoken as if I was talking to a 5 year old) IF you see an exit coming up. NOTE that cars are coming ONTO the highway. Possibly me. NOTE that I only get a small window of oppertunity to get onto the highway. MOVE THE FUCK OVER RETARDS. Jesus flying fucking Christ. The people who don't move over for merging on highway drivers makes me want the invisable hand gernades to just blow them off the map.
• Speeders again. Yes again, I know I drive fast, but again some go faster. AND if I am in the left lane, and I am not going to your choice speed. Understand the BIG semi to my right is there and NO I will not floor it to let you pass me. You will enjoy MY speed of choice until we safely pass the big truck then I shall move over. Unless your a douche bag and choose to psychoticly right lane pass me the second I pass the semi. Well then go fuck yourself.
• Children in my car. There are rules. NO screaming. Especially that high pictched who can scream the loudest shit either. Also no throwing shit at me, or whining. Children are lovely, but should be happy, silent, or asleep at all times in the car.
• Passengers. Unless you have some greater knowledge then I do please STFU. I don't care if you think there is a better way. My little hands are on the wheel, and I am the boss. Please do your job, and entertain my small monkey children.
• My middle finger is used when needed. My mother hates it, my husband hates it. And I don't care. It's my right to show people I care, and when your #1 in my driving book. I show it. Proud. I'm not a timid finger giver. There is FULL effort for you to notice. Isn't that what the sunroof is for?
• Non-highway rules. God I HATE driving in towns, suburbia, whatever. Drive at LEAST the damn speed. If it's 45 on a busy 4 lane road, for fucks sake, go home if you can't do at least 45. I am VERY good at going 25 in subdivisions. Not kidding. I know kids don't pay attention, like my neigbor who lets her kid wander the street. We live on a curve. It's creepy.
• I HATE people who get mad at me for talking on the phone and driving. Most times it's the only time I can talk. No kids in the car? Probably a phone to my ear. Blow me, I CAN drive and talk. But there are some nut sacks who shouldn't. You need good driving skills to do this. Texting should be illegal while driving. THAT is insane.
• Speaking of good driving skills. Understand that while driving the fact that you have skill isn't that you know all the rules of the road. It's that you have confidence. Now don't get that mixed up with cockiness. That is different. I am confident that I watch myself, the people next to me, the guy in front, and behind me. PLUS I pay attention to the 3 cars ahead and behind them. WHY? Because it's good for you. Because you need to learn to guess what EVERYONE else is going to do. When we are all wizzing along at 75 mph I need to make sure you butt fucks are on game. If you even swerve a bit, I watch you more, If your flying like a bat out of hell (I SO love to say that) I try to get out of your insane way, if you suck and are slower then me crawling, then I watch you and attempt to get away from you. It's all a method of skills, and being confident that I can navigate, all while making the right moves to get on with my journey with the least ammount of finger giving.
• AND last but not least lets talk about bikes. Sigh. I don't like you. I have lost 2 close friends of the family due to poor driving skills. If you ride a bike, I don't care if it's a crotch rocket or a big ass harley. If you are NOT wearing a helmet you can go fuck yourself. You are a speedbump that I don't want to deal with. Your stupid for driving 70 mph on a bike and no helmet?!? Whatever, I hope to god I don't hit you, because I will have your mess all over my car, I am assuming you will cause damage to my car, AND I will have to deal with your mess. AND bet my ass if you one of those chodes that cuts me off, with no helmet, I will feel NO remorse for running you over. Your stupid. And a waste of air as it is.
• If you are a bike rider. If you wear a helmet. If you attmpt to go a decent speed. Good for you. I wish you a safe trip. Please don't drive by me. I have confidence. But your just not ment for my SUV and the big semi's around here.

Alright, it's late, I have been wanting to post on my driving rules forever now. Add your own in the comment section. Or just keep lurking like you have been. And yes it's still creepy that you lurk.

Home from Vaca. Here's your post. I'm going to drown myself in a bath tub. AKA Leavemealonetime.

Random Nonsense

So instead of many mini posts that make no sense. Let's just have one big one that still makes no sense...

• I daily wonder about my Scuz, what she is doing, and miss her so. (picture above)
• I smashed my thumb between two cans of corn at Aldi the other day. Owie.


• I have 4 mosquito bites that I have now scratched to the point of bleeding. Ohh they itch!


• I watched the new "Bring It On. Fight to the Finish" with Cristina Milian in it last night, it was good still not my favorite Bring It On (I love the one with Hayden Panettiere!)


• I seriously need some coffee. Up WAY to late watching stupid t.v.!
  My front living room looks like the toy bin and cabinet, and table threw up all over the floor. I SO need to clean that room.


• I hope I can go to the September Crop night with my new friends!


• I am excited yet scared to use my On Star in my new car


• I just want to drive my new car. She is nice.


• I think XM radio is fun. Confusing at first, but fun now.


• I am freakishly hungry.


• I want to go to Jewel and print out my pictures...maybe this morning with the kids?


• I need a day of ONLY laundry. Mostly going through all my "you wish you still fit into this" clothes, and my "you are a mom and in your 30's Playboy 1/2 shirts are not hot for you anymore" and the rest of my wardrobe.


• I save $40 a year by doing my laundry in cold/cold water. And it's better for my environment. Booya.


• My son is banging on the wall next to his crib. I guess he is freakishly hungry too.

Shitting Rainbows and Farting Lollipops

The blogosphere that is.


I absolutely love visiting Tiptoeing Through The Tulips, Cristin, and her stories, weather about her pooping son Graham, or her beloved Dottie, and I love her stories about back in the day and the retirement home she worked in.


So Cristin got the balls to go to this blog, Ask and Ye Shall Receive and get... dun, dun duuunn. Reviewed. A review that is no holding back honest.


Like when they told her that her header was horrible but didn't make their eyes bleed out, but they did think "Oh holy fucking Christ, another fucking mommy blog. I bet her kids shit rainbows and fart lollipops."

She did change her header, it is much nicer thanks to her friend Sherri, who made her a nice pretty, and yet stylish header. Ha ha. Sherri give a good header is right.


Over all she got 3 stars, and a good review, some honest and good advice on moving a few things around. I do think I will submit myself, so I too can get ripped a new ass hole. BUT after I clean the place up a bit.


And with Ask and Ye Shall Receive, I found this guy and his wisdom of "how to blog" go read it if you blog, and if you don't go read it, because you lurk here, so go lurk there too.


I do wonder what people honestly think of my blog. Do you like the header? Are the people descriptions with pictures cute? Annoying? Any part you think could go?


How bout my writing? Interesting? Boring? Personally I think I skip around a bit when I talk, kinda like my everyday talking. But just more confusing. Did you want to see more of something? Less of something?


Go ahead... I got tough skin... tell me...

The nutso takes off the moo moo, and puts on some pants.

I guess the nut bag should update, and let all my devoted readers (all 4 of you) know I am still alive, I still have "those days" but after hearing from more of my friends that they feel the EXACT same way, and just as often as me.


Well thanks. I needed that.


It was alot last week. Weaky turned one, and we threw a great party. (Saturday)
Then Monday was his 1 year check up, and well you know how that went.
Then Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday it was time to ship all the stuff from the garage to my parents for the big annual garage sale there subdivision has. And to gather and price as much of my crap as I could.
We (we as in, myself, Bagel and Weaky. Spaghetti had to work Wrigley for the two days) left Friday morning, and came home Saturday night. (but made $200!)
My IL's took the kids Saturday night.
Sunday we drove out with McD's to pick up the kids. Brought them back home, got ready then drove to Chicago to just spend the day in the city. (later post) Got home around 9 pm
Today was Weaky's DOC band at 10:15, and then home to mow the lawn, Spaghetti is gone again, more Wrigley!


I am looking forward to tomorrow. Nothing planned.
Wednesday is Christ Hospital for Weaky's CF testing. NOT looking forward to that.
I do believe the rest of the week is NOTHING.

NOTHING. NOTHING. NOTHING.


Spaghetti is OFF all 3 jobs. I have NOTHING going on.


Speaking of nothing, I think I should plan a stamp camp of some sort. My mom keeps bugging me. This is the longest I have ever gone with out having a class, and no newborn to blame for the break. I just don't want to right now.


So. I am fine. Still nuts. But fine non the less.

The lethargic nutso in a moo moo

I don't wanna do nuffin. Nope.

Arms crossed.

Pouty face.

Hmrph.


I am in just one of those moods.

Took a bath. Put on my moo moo night gown at 3:30 in the afternoon.


I have 6 loads to fold (yeah, I got the washing down, now I just need to coordinate the folding) 3 to wash.

I have dishes to do, a kitchen to clean, toys to pick up.

Scrapbooking I could do, oh and I haven't held a class in months (SO not like me)

I don't want to read, or draw, or do much of anything.


Sometimes I fear that my Postpartum was worst then people thought it was. I fear the mood swings I have is because of it.

I am happy go lucky but if one thing bugs me, or a kid even whines... it's all over. I cry I yell, I pull my hair...


I just get over stressed about stupid shit.


I have issues and I guess we will just write it off as nuts? Whatever, I feel bad for the kids and Spaghetti. It makes Weaky cry when I get upset, because I am loud and scary, Bagel is sadly getting used to it.


How do you explain to someone, without looking like a complete nut bag, that you just have moments where you just want to run away? But you want to take everyone with you? But then change your mind and just go by yourself? Maybe just a cat?


Sigh... hope you guys get me.


Speaking of going nutso, I am going to loose my tree if I don't leave the loft. The kids will NOT nap, and I can't handle it. Gatta go get lost in the basement...


Maybe I should pad my art room walls...


I am slowly going crazy 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 switch... crazy going slowly am I 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 switch... I am slowly going crazy...

Funky Pity Party

I am funky.


No not the smelly kind, well I do need a shower. But that's not what I mean.


I mean I am in a funk. I just can't shake it.


I need to get out of it. I need to clean up the house for Weaky's birthday party tomorrow.


Had my Starbucks fix. Three times today. (once from my coffee pot at 6:30 am, then from the grocery store bottle, then the actual Starbucks itself) No good coffee buzz, just some good system cleaning.


I guess my funk is from Weakys birthday.


Not because my baby boy is turning 1. But because of all the people we invited, some family some close friends. There were just ALOT of no's.


I know, I know, the economy, and when work calls, getting paid is what you need to do. But I just get bummed. It seemed to be more and more no's. And not just family, but friends. Lots of friends.


Friends that you went to there kids stuff. And maybe that sounds mean, like I assume you would attend my kids stuff. But unless it's work (I totally understand Mudd, not you) and you just say your busy, or something came up? Really?


I mean I have toted my two kids by MYSELF, to events. Snowy day events. Cold ass windy day events. Just me, a two year old and a baby. On Spaghetti's birthday night, we drove an HOUR out of the way to see our friends kid for about 30 minutes on his birthday. then BACK to town for a show.


I mean maybe I try to hard? Maybe I am just not social enough? Maybe this is a sign. That moving to Nashville wouldn't really affect to many people.


Yeah, yeah. Pity party for one. Feisty's the only one invited.


I am thankful for my family, and Spaghetti's family. And for my dear friends who are coming. But when you get seven different friends that call and say "no" it hurts just a bit.


But as long as my Weaky Man is there. I am the happiest mommy ever. I hope this post is a vent to my pity party, and I can move on. I have lots o' house work to do for tomorrow's festivities.


So my pity party is over. It was fun and everyone I invited was there. Alright, alright, I am rambling... gatta go. More posts to do... still needs to clean!!

Saturdays Secret. Your forgiven.

It's been a while since I have done a "Saturdays Secret" and so I think I will do one on how forgiving I am of others. NOW do not get it confused with me forgetting. I don't. And I am less trusting.


I forgive you if you owe me money, small amount, forgetting to pay me and we are all tight and shit. But I don't forget. I don't lend you money, anymore.

I forgive the ignorant comments about my height, my ever so glowing white skin, and my silly antics that are goofy. I just don't talk to you any more.

I forgive the complete stranger who cuts me off in a store, when they quickly turn and smile and appologize. The smile and appology is what did it. I've been in that hurry before.

I forgive the people closest to me for things they may say, or have done in the past. I CAN not be mad for long. I want it to be over and move on. I will apologize when I am wrong, AND I have been known to apologize when I am not wrong just to make amends.


I don't think life is long enough to go on being mad, or holding a grudge forever. Mind you if I don't call you or if you think I may have lost your number, it's probably a good guess that I was hurt by you.


Those closest to me. Those who are SO close to me I can't just ignore them for a week till I can cool off. Those people I tend to just brush it off. Chalk it up. And just try not to get in the same situation again. Usually minor, so no bother.


I just don't like when people can't do the same.


I guess I just wish we were all the same on some levels. Like when your mad, and I'm mad. And we just call it even. Wanna talk it out? Sure. But at least attempt to be sorry.


When people are never sorry for there moods. Or sorry for what they say. Because they were never wrong, so why say sorry? Because maybe you were hurtful. Maybe you misjudged the situation and now you won't right the wrong? Maybe if you just took yourself out of your self centered world and looked at it from my point of view? Then are you sorry?


Get over yourself. We are all human. Suck it up and apologize. And MOVE ON. Simple as that.


I forgive people. Not because I am religious and it's the "right" thing to do. Or because I will feel better later. But because I just don't want it lingering in my head.


I forgive. I move on.


Why can't you?

F you Friday

F you to the slap in the face (litterly) I got tonight from the person that I had a GREAT day with. The person that made me proud to do my job as a mom. The person I wake for, feed, dance with, sing with, read too, dress, bathe, and the other zillion things I do for you. Only to have you slap me because you don't want to go to bed? Fuck that.

F you to the diaper makers. Or the dick wagons who price them. I KNOW it can't cost you $20 a box. Or even remotely close to it. But for some fucking reason I need to shell out a SHIT load of money just to cover my kids asses. Fuck that.

F you to the douche bag that spamed my email address. I am STILL getting magazine subscription in the mail. I do enjoy the free ones until I need to AGAIN "return to sender, did not request" sometimes 6 invoices a day. Fuck that.

F you to my *retarded* cousin. Nope not really mentally challenged. But when you are pissed off at your EX girlfriend/baby mamma, the right thing to do is NOT to go get piss drunk at 2 in the afternoon, drive your car into her BOYFRIENDS car, leave, come back then drive the car INTO THE HOUSE. But it gets better, you then wait for the now PISSED off boyfriend (who is bigger then you, and sober) to come outside and beat your ass. Broke your ribs. AND then you have the balls to want to press charges?!?!? WTF?!? But the best part is you just had court today. The judge sentenced you. You should have taken whatever he gave you. But your *Sofa King! We Todd did*, that you then tell the judge, very loudly, "FUCK YOU." ...Do you wonder why your in prison till end of June? Fuck that.

F you to someone special. That one person in my life that knows me, gets me. And still 10 years later is NEVER wrong in an argument. Really? Did you think talking to me like I was a drill Sargent was funny? That making fun of me because I went to tell you to stop getting the kid all rilled up, right before bed, and realized AFTER telling you to stop. That it wasn't you. But she was still just loudly laughing. Hmmm. Maybe because you do it that often? And because I then need to attempt to put her to bed like that? (see the first F you) Yes I am strict with the kids getting riled up at night. I am also going to become REALLY FUCKING strict about hitting/rough housing whatever. I DON'T care WHO it is too. She is MY daughter. And I have to deal with her 95% of the time. Other people letting her "Play fight" is NOT going to FLY. EVER. DO NOT mock me. DO NOT be a childish asshole. I apologized two times, too many. Your turn. Give it a fucking try for once. Fuck that.

Ahhhh. Now after I explain my *comments* I can go to bed.

*retarded* I have explained this before and I will do it again. I say retarded alot. Alot less with the kids around. But still when need be, I say it.

Now for the definition of "retarded" to me...

Retarded, or Tard is a person of perfectly good mental health. AND they are completely idiotic in the sense that they are just plain retarded. Sigh... now I in NO means want this to come across that I think that mentally challenged people are idiots. I just think that perfectly good people that do stupid things get the title "retarded" Family or not. (I use this on myself often) and using the "I came from a fucked up family" is getting old too. Seriously? Your 40. Move on.

Whatever. It's fucking late. I don't care. It's my blog. Hate me if you want to. Leave me a evil comment. I will just delete it. And as we all know. This is my blog, my opinion SO I say what I want too. Got it? Good. Moving on.

*Sofa King! We Todd did* if you don't get it have someone say that line out loud fast to you. Don't try it yourself. It's harder to get. Just go have someone else say it. Probably not a kid, or your boss. So to do it right, or I guess the funniest way is to write this down and have them read it aloud... "I am so we Todd did. I am sofa king! We Todd did.

Still offended? Thought so. But if you just had a Fuck you Friday. You should get my mood. Oh and I totally see why people drink. I just don't care to so I wallow my sad ass in a bath tub with a book. Or I hide in my art room. Can't wait till the weather is nice. I will be in the garden... now I just need a bath tub in my art room, and a secret door to my garden...

Meenie Weenie

Sorry...

So Sorry...

Really, really sorry...

Yep, sorry to you too...

And again. I am sorry.

I am sorry for being a Meenie Weenie.

I am mean, and bitter. More then I should be. I yell at Bagel for just stupid things. Like her demanding I change her sippy from water to milk and back again. I don't yell yell. But I get angry, and tell her not now. I should read with you more. I do try at least once a day. And I do teach you colors, and counting, and shapes... I try damn it... your just so much energy and if you don't have a nap then from 7 am till 7 pm is 12 hours of high strung, whiny, and boss toddler! I do need to just stop and breathe... when I get mad at you I will just punish you with kisses and hugs. I know you hate Time Out but you can NOT keep trying to make Weaky wear a box for a hat. And Dong doesn't like it when you punch her in the head. Sigh... Bagel...

I don't yell at Weaky. I just don't play with him as much as I should. And he is ALWAYS last, in the morning he is the first one up, but most of the time I get Spaghetti off to work, feed the dogs, and cats, get Bagel up and fed, then I am finally able to feed Weaky. (ok, I am last then.) And I need to NOT depend on your sister to be your entertainment, she is almost 3, but she is in NO way able to be left with you for more then a minute. (she's getting to the point where she doesn't realize what she is doing to Weaky could hurt him! I need to make more time for you and me little man.

Thing 1 and Thing 2, well they get my attention when I feed them... um and when I shoo them from my desk chair... oh and when I clean out there litter box... sorry bout the neglect girls...

Ding and Dong... they are not so bad. The barking is less and less, and the destroying of toys, remotes, phones, books... well that could be because we took ANYTHING possible for you to destroy and made it out of your reach could be why the destruction rate is slowing. But I am sorry for not playing ball as much as I used to... when the weather gets nice (we did today!) I try to at least spend an 1/2 hour to an hour with you a day.

Spaghetti.

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that I have been so bitter, snappy, and just plain mean to you and everyone else in our house. I know I say my job is hard. And that you do work 3 jobs, and this is my job. But like I told you, it's hard for me when you don't complain, you don't take anything out on anyone else. I know I am lucky to have you, but it's hard to keep up when your always so good to me.

I know you work 3 jobs. But the house work, the dogs, the cats, the kids, the banking, the yard, the everything in between! It's just insane, and I think I hit the nail on the head.

This job. The SAHM job is the hardest. Why? Because there is no boss. You are your own boss.

So I have to be disciplined enough to make myself a list of things to do. And do them, all while tending to the kids, pets, phone calls, and everything I do around here. I must say I SUCK at being my own boss. I slack, I am lazy, I would rather blog, poke around on Facebook, or just go to the art room, before I fold all that laundry that is clean, or wash the 5 that are waiting for me to wash!

Sure take away the computer. I will just find a book to read, or zone out with bad afternoon t.v. programing.

I am trying to organize the house. Declutter. And get rid of SO much for the garage sale coming up. I want what you want Spaghetti.

I want to walk into a house where it's picked up (I know, spotless is not happening) the dishes are done, and the kids are happy. Where it's livable around here.

The clutter, the bills the ALL day kids, it stresses me out, to the point where as soon as someone finally comes home, the get the brunt of my stress.

And sadly for the last 4 months that is you. Now I want to change, and be a happier wife, a nicer mom, and you will be doing your Wrigley season, where your gone more of the week then home.

I hope when you are home I am a decent person to be around. Not the angry spaz that yells or bitches about everything. The last person on the planet I should be angry at is you. You take my crap and I am happy that you told me today how you feel.

I will try to be a better person. Not just for you, the kids and the fuzzies. But for me too.

I love you Spaghetti Mc, Bagel, Weaky, Thing 1 and 2, and my Ding and Dong. I love you lots.

Muah.

Your Feisty Mommy and Wife.

How do you deal?

My question is how do you deal? With the loss of a loved one.


From previous posts this week. You have learned that Spaghetti's awesome Gramma passed away Saturday.


She was in Arizona at her winter home, and everyone is flying back home tomorrow, the wake and funeral are not until Friday. It's hard having to wait all week. It's weird, I want Friday to never happen, but I also just want to get it over with.


It's going to be one of those days.


The day where the Kleenex company cashes in, because there will not be a dry eye in that place. I am not looking forward to seeing so many family members upset. And even though it's Spaghetti's family, it's amazing what 10 years of life together will build with these people.


People I once passed on the street, are now some of my closest family members. I can't think of what to say to my Mother IL, I watched my own mom cry 18 years ago when she had to bury her mom. Everyone was SO close to Gramma. It will be a very melancholy day.


So back to the question at hand. How do you deal?


I have a routine. I didn't really realize I did until this week. In just the past 2 years I have lost my own Gramma (who died at 90!), my Aunt (who died too young of alcohol abuse) and my Uncle in July, (who died of a broken heart, and alcohol abuse) so the past few years it seems that I have attended more then my fair share of wakes, and funeral.


Routine?
I hold it in. At first. Just till I am alone. I need at least an hour to myself. I need my iPod. I think up Friday. I think up worst case scenarios, I think up situations that won't happen, fights with random strangers, I mumble to myself, I swing at imaginary anger. I cry. I sob. I get it out.


I know it's my way of coping with things. It's my way of expressing my insane thoughts, and I get them out with imaginary people, random places, and random thoughts.


It's like pretend I guess. I have been doing this since I was a kid. From boombox, to tape player, to CD player, to radio and now to iPod. It's my escape, it's my sanity saver.


Not saying that is makes Friday any easier. It doesn't but for days that there is just to much in my head. I will take the iPod, take me time, get up hours earlier, dance, cry, fight, and mumble to myself.


This is my therapy. I love my music, it let's me escape to places and deal with things in a way I don't think I could in reality.

The above. That should be categorized in a Saturday Secret post. NO ONE has ever known about it. No one.

But you now.


It helps. I just did it. Playing out imaginary anger at random strangers, crying over thoughts of Gramma. Still I held some in, now with kids and a crazy busy day ahead, I can't have a boo hoo headache all day. But it was a release of some sort.


I also have to share that I don't just do it for death. I do it for everything, a situation where I will see old friends, or a party that I am excited about, maybe a family function I am dreading. It's just anything I need to preplay out in my head and my music helps me do that.


So again my question is. What do you do to deal with a crazy stressful situation... just curious...

You owe me $200

So I go over to Bed Bath and Beyond yesterday on my enjoyable afternoon of no kids, no husband, a hot date with me myself and I.



I needed square plates, glass ones. For a scrapbooking class next month. I will have to post a picture, to confusing to explain, and I will be SO off subject.



Anywho, so I get my 8 plates, a new king bed pillow for Spaghetti (since I hoard all the other 3 and leave him a skimpy little pillow) a boo boo cold patch in the cute shape of Tigger, and I picked up Spaghetti's other birthday present from my parents. (can't tell you, sometimes he reads this!)



And so I proceed to the checkout, still high off my coffee buzz, and my quality me time. I get to the cashier, freeze. Look for other cashiers. Shit, she's my only option. And I know she saw me look around. Damn it.


Right so this cashier, lets call her Pager, since back in 1997 she borrowed my pager since I was upgrading to my first cell phone. It was back in the day when you could pay your bill a year in advance, and I paid my $200 for the year. Well after a few months of not paying back her $20 a month agreement, Pager disappeared.



About 6 months later she stopped by my mom's house, to see me. I introduced her to my new boyfriend, Spaghetti. After a short time the pager I "lent her" went off. I said "hey how about some payments?"

She had to hurry up and leave.

That was over 10 years ago. My best friend, dumped our 7 year friendship, because her lame ass couldn't even look at me to say, "hey, I can't afford to pay you, and my boyfriend won't pay anymore, so I am just going to ignore you. Forever"


Yep, that was awkward at the Bed Bath and Beyond counter. She said "hi" I gave her a fake smile, and hoped it looked fake. I need not make a scene, I need not remind her. She knows.


I know she got the message.


Her cousin, is friends with one my friends, and anywho, they asked me a few years back if I would still be Pagers friend and if she could contact me...


I said, tell Pager that she owes me $200, and then after that, I still don't want to be her friend.


I'm pretty sure by the look on her face. She got the message.

She didn't ruin my happy buzz, just made me throw up in my mouth a little...