Right now...

I am having a hot McD's date with my #8 and my laptop. Enjoying some ME, MYSELF and I time. Something I seem to get more and more of lately.

I enjoy the fact that my IL's LOVE to take the kids overnight, and my parents too. I am SO lucky to have that, and both of them within an hours drive. I think it's best for the kids, to bond with their grandparents, and me to bond with myself.

I swear that is what got me through postpartum and other life depression. Little breaks, I mean SO many people don't get that break, and I know many of you are reading this now. I wish that all mom's could just get a reality break, and get some stare at the wall time. Not just to hop in the shower, or sleep (even though some will take just that)

My McD's is a magical place. It's right by my house, which is trouble for me. It's an easy hop in the car and two blocks away I have golden arch happiness.

I'm not so much a drive through girl. I do enjoy drive throughs with my boxers when I can, but the kids enjoy eating inside, and so do I. I call it the "fancy" McD's. We have pleather seats, big flat screen t.v.'s it has NO play place which I love. It's tiny and it's my place to chill.

Sounds kinda gay that I love to sit at McD's but mine is more contemporary then most. Very netural tones, very chill.

I love to watch the people.

There is a dad and his son enjoying breakfast, it would be better if the dad put down his cell phone, I try to not use mine when I'm out with the kids.

There's a mom with her little girl, enjoying pancakes, reminds me of when it was just Bagel and me at our McD dates.

The one that got me chocked up this morning? The cute older couple. Reminds me of Spaghetti's Gramma and Grampa, they got their coffee, and there McMuffins. Just enjoying the company of each other. Makes me miss Spaghetti's gramma. It's only been 17 months, and with her birthday next week I think she is even more on everyone's mind.

Wow I wasn't going to make myself cry in McD's but I did...

I did promise Spaghetti I would use this kid free day to clean the house, and as much as I kick myself for promising that, I think it's a good way for me to clean the house, I don't like to let him down.

I do think a trip to the store for some canned Starbucks happiness is due. I stayed at my friends house for HOURS last night. I swore I was just picking up catalogs, and after swapping stories about her daugher and how they found her brain tumor, and how we've tried and tried to understand my sisters Dystonia.

I have SO much more to blog on, but coffee and a dirty house are calling my name. Maybe later.

Absolute Rambling. Enjoy wankers!

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A year ago today.

This was my post a year ago today.
It's sad that today is Spaghetti's Birthday,  but it will never be the same. That it's been one year since his Gramma left us. Sure at 88 you've lived a great long life, with SO many memories, and family to carry on your memory.

But last year we thought it was a heart attack, finding out it was a brain aneurysm that actually killed her. Right there. Eating lunch, mid conversation. And poof. She fell over. Every time we talk about it my heart hurts, for the fact that no good byes were said. Sure I don't want a long painful death, but I want to say good bye.

In this year we tried to cope. We tried first to hold Easter at Grampa's house, he broke down at dinner, and fled to his room. Crying for an hour. He refuses to host any family event again.

I hosted a mini 4th of July, with Cuz and her mom and dad, Aunt N. and Uncle T, Gramma & Grampa Mc, Great Grampa, Queen, Carrots and Frances. It was nice, small but nice.

In September, Aunt J had a Nascar party, we bought our new Saturn Vue that day, but made the treck to see the family. I had a long conversation with Uncle T. that day about cars, our pool, yard work, and anything else we talked about. Glad I did, that was the last time I saw him. He passed away just a month later to a what everyone thought was the flu, ended up being a stage 4 brain cancer, and left him in a veggie like state for 21 days.

Thanksgiving was hard. The family split two ways. Some to Aunt J's to be together, and some to my parents (that is where I will always go) to be together. I knew something had to be done for Christmas.

I vollenteered our house. We fit all 25 people in, everyone played games, sang songs, and we had the traditional Santa visit, Cuz was Santa's helper as she always has been. It was a new start. To a new life, to get over that bump in the road. That stop and look around moment wondering what will change.

My MIL try's to keep her dad busy all the time. Often having dinner with him, hanging out with him, my FIL too. Taking him to lunch, or out to see us. He goes to visit Gramma a few times a week at the cemetary. It's an hour drive for him. Sadly his son-in-law, Uncle T is burried within walking distance from Gramma. Is it good or bad that he goes to see her so often? Some say bad, like he needs to move on.

If I lost Spaghetti, I would go see him often. I did with my Grammas, and grampa too. It helps to heal the pain.

I hope I can keep the family together. Look at me, the in-law trying to keep the family together. The best I can do is offer to have everyone over, and move on. Remembering that life goes on. We never forget. We always remember, we tell stories, and memories, and keep traditions. But we move on.

I love and miss you Gramma, I think of you often.

Thank you for everything, for teaching me one thing about hosting. That is NEVER wash your floors before the party! People are just messy and won't notice. You will have to wash them afterwards anyway!


Always,

Bagel and her memory

As I go to tuck Bagel into bed for the umpteenth time tonight. (she has a little cold and is extra dramatic and needy.) I lay down next to her and we have the one of many cute conversations about her day.

At the adorable age of 3 year and almost 4 months, Bagel is quite the talker. She remember stories, events and details SO clear now. She recalls things that happened weeks or months ago, and even old stories I have told her.

After a long discussion about her day at her tumbling class. Her new skill of the balance beam with out Miss Terry's hand this week, and how she loves the "jumpy thingy with the bar" or the mini trampoline that has these side bars to hold onto. (Perfect for little kid jumping.)

We then get into a discussion about Little Bagel. She says when she was a teeny tiny baby (holding up her finger and thumb to show me how little she once was) and I would tell her stories. She asked me to tell her about Great Gramma.

Well that narrows it down to 4 Great Gramma's, all in whom I have told her stories about. So I ask her, which Great Gramma. She said "You know, Papa's mommy"

(Bagel is 5 days old, here with her Great Gramma Alice who was 89 1/2 years old)

I smiled, and took a deep breath, (it will be 3 years this November that Great Gramma Alice has been gone) I said to her "The story about how excited Great Gramma would get when you would come to see her." I continued with "and how she would just hug and kiss you, she wanted to see you grow up." "She often would ask you to talk to her" even though at that young age Bagel wasn't even a babbler yet.

She then asked me "Where does Great Gramma Alice live?" tears ran down my face. As I quickly remembered how much I miss my Gramma. I then told her that "ALL you great Gramma's are watching over you from a place called Heaven. And when you go there you get to be an angel. They keep you safe, and are so proud of you and Weaky"

She then notices that I am crying, and asks if I am happy. I told her that I was just happy, but I just missed all her Great Gramma's since they live somewhere else now.

Then she did the secret family sign for I Love You, then before completely bawling my eyes out, I controlled myself, kissed her head, and said goodnight.

It amazes me how she is remembering stories, and facts. How she is learning to watch for others feelings too. I am sad that she won't remember any of her Great Grandmothers, but I am happy that two of them were able to see her for a short period of time.

But what I can do is tell her often stories of her family, show her pictures, and remind her and Weaky of her family past. To know how important it is to never let the memory fade. These are the reasons I blog, I scrapbook and I have a family tree.

Those people. They are a part of me. And a part of my history.

Real it in! A trip back in time

I want to start telling old stories. Like ones from before this blog. Or before Blogging. Or before the Internet for that matter.

I want to be able to capture some fun memories, or stories that I remember. I hope you enjoy!


While eating at Giordano's Pizza for my 31st birthday, Great Grampa M came along, and while Grampa Mc was talking about fishing, this story came up...


On one of the many trips to Michigan that Spaghetti and his family would take. There was always fishing on the pier. As he fished with his dad (Grampa Mc) they kept noticing this big plop in the water, where a BIG fish was jumping...

"Real it in! Real it in!" Grampa Mc would yell to Spaghetti. But nothing was on the line every time...

After a few times of this, laughter broke out, and they looked over there shoulder to see Great Grampa M holding a big rock. Now realizing that he was tossing in rocks!

It was great to hear the story, and it was great to see Spaghetti's family with such great memories. I am hoping to capture more.

Play by play. Gramma M's Day.

(Gramma with Weaky (1 month) Grampa, Aunt Donna and Bagel, April 08)

The night before the diaper bag was packed, clothes were dry cleaned, and ironed. Stroller was packed, and everything was ready to go.





The next morning we both woke before the alarm went off 6:45 , showered, dressed, and ate breakfast as a family. Take a deep breath and drive to the Funeral home.








We were the first ones there. Before the any of the on time people. First. This is huge, and if you know how Spaghetti and I run, we are ALWAYS late. And now with kids we are even more late. We are trying to get things ready the night before, so the day of, we are good to go. Our moment of early lasted about 1 minute and everyone else arrived.








We had a 9 am family moment. The wake wasn't to start till 9:30. We gathered inside the lobby area. Grampa and the daughters went first. Spaghetti and I were first of the cousins to see Gramma. We then gathered around a large digital picture frame, and watched a picture slide of Gramma over the years. With the song "Tears in Heaven" playing. Grampa watched it often that day.








I think for me, for Spaghetti, for anyone, the two hardest things that day, were dealing with the fact that a brain aneurysms was the cause, and that we had no time to say goodbye. Mind you if it's your time to go, I would say pull my card fast like a band aid, I don't want to suffer, but it was just so hard that it was so sudden.





And probably the hardest thing to deal with was knowing that Grampa will be alone. I know I have posted about how they were best friends, lovers, and soul mates for over 67 years. And Grampa repeatedly told us all how Gramma did everything for him. He has never turned on the stove, or used the microwave. We had to write him out directions. He has never ironed clothes, or done laundry. Gramma did it all.








He was so lost on Friday. It crushed me to see him so lost, and so alone, even though he couldn't have been surrounded by more loved ones. His 4 daughters, there husbands, his 8 grandchildren and myself and Loren too. His 7 great grandchildren. His sister, and her family, and Gramma being the oldest of 9 brothers and sisters, I do believe there were 6 present along with there families. My family came, and so many friends of family too. But as you looked around the room you saw couples together. My mother-in-law had my father-in-law, I had Spaghetti. Grampa was alone.








After 3 hours of family and friends, we all sat for a beautiful song, played on guitar by Loren (Spaghetti's cousin, Nikki's husband) Donna, Spaghetti's Aunt, went up and did a beautiful talk. Started out by saying how much we would miss Gramma, but quickly went to the happy memories of Gramma. And the ones she remembered of her mom and dad together.


The one I remember best was when Gramma and Grampa would eat dinner, they would always have a glass of wine. They would look at each other, and clink glasses, it was a sign of there love for each other.





After Aunt Donna's talk, the priest was up. He started with saying that we are strangers, he did not know our family, and his frankness won me over. He spoke about how each morning he walks a path in the garden at his church, and has "Spiritual Coffee" with his mom, dad and brother (he mentioned he lost his parents 23 years ago. He only looked in his 40's. He seems to have a past of loss) He spoke about what he saw that day, and how it was obvious that Gramma had left behind an amazing family. But the best part was he recited a famous poem. He didn't read it, he knew it very well by heart. And when he said the words, he said them well. He put the meaning into this poem. It's very good, and makes you think...

I read of a man who stood to speak at a funeral of his friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from beginning...to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the second with tears,

but he spoke that what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all that time

that she spent alive here on earth

and now only those who love her

know what this little line is worth.

For it matters not how much we own;

the cars, the house, the cash.

What matters most is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

Do think about this long and hard, Are there things you' like to change?

For you'll never know how much time is left....

So when you're eulogy is being read

with you lives actions rehashed...

would you be pleased with the things they have to say

and how you spent your dash?

By Linda Ellis

Loren played Guitar again, and sang some Beetles songs, as all the friends left, with family too. Then all was left was Grampa, and his daughters, there husbands, and the grandchildren, and greatgrandchildren. It was time to say your final goodbyes to Gramma.





This for me is the hardest part. Because I know I will never physically see her again. Spaghetti and I stood (my parents took the kids up for me, and had them in the lobby waiting) up there, we cried. Loren and Nikki, then Gail and her daughters, and Joe, and Tony with Colin. We all stood. We cried. Before walking away, I put my hand on the casket, and said "Thank you Gramma, we love you so much." Colin (just 2) then said "goodnight gramma, bye bye" we sadly walked away.





Spaghetti was a paul bearer (sp?) along with his cousins, I walked out with Grampa on my arm. We loaded everyone into the cars, lined up for the very long drive to the cemetery. Grampa was in the Army, so Gramma will be buried at Abraham Lincoln Memorial Cemetery. It is about 45 minutes away, but since funerals processions don't take the high way, it took us about an hour and 20 minutes.





The ceremony was under a pavilion, and I know that place to well (my Aunt was buried there 3 years ago, and my Uncle died of a broken heart soon after, passing this last July. My uncle was in the Navy) with it being a wife, there was no military personal there. There were so many people that came out to the cemetery. Grampa was happy to see that over 25 cars were in line!








The ceremony was the Spaghetti's cousin Tony, he recited a poem he wrote about Gramma. Loren then sang a beautiful song he had written last week about Gramma, called "No more tears in Arizona" we first thought with the title of the song, he would have done a remake of "Tears in Heaven" but it wasn't even close! It was so much better, and the words fit perfectly. Thanks to Loren for taking the time to write that song.





We ended with a prayer read by the cousins, and us spouses. It was short, thanking Gramma for everything she did, and to give us the courage to move on. After everyone left, just the immediate family was there. We gathered around the casket one more time. All of us with our hands on top. Spaghetti's Aunt Nancy then thanked her mom, for this wonderful family we have.








The paul bearers then took her to the car. We all loaded up again, and they drove us to the site where she will be buried. We all sat in our cars (just the 6 cars now) in silence. Watching them put Gramma in her final resting place.








It was a good thing the to the cemetery and back were so long. You could compose yourself, for the next event. We went to a restaurant. There was so many people there, and they didn't have room for all of us (they had 1 head table for 8! There was at least 25 of us!) So they had to open the doors, to the room, and we flooded into the dining room. It was a great meal, and general conversation was held.





Afterwards, we went back to the funeral home for the flowers, and cards to take back to Grampas house. (he lives just a block from the funeral home) Once inside, I was first in, everyone was starting to bring all these HUGE floral arrangements in. Grampa told me he wanted nothing to do with the flowers (and I can't blame him. He wouldn't know what to do with them, and it would only remind him more) so the lined the front porch, down the stairs, to the sidewalk. I took the one from my parents, and the one from my MIL's work (it was HUGE! a basket about 3 feet long, by 2 feet wide and 3 feet high! It had a huge ivy (about 8 feet long, once I unwrapped it from the basket) an Azalea bush, and a mix of beautiful green plants) I gave them all water and a good home. I also took a vase of beautiful Hydrangea's, palms and orange Gerber Daisy's. (yes I love gardening, and worked at a florist for 2 years)








We sat around, talking, visiting, the kids played, we all made small talk. When leaving the funeral home, they gave an audio CD of the speakers, and songs that were at the wake. And a DVD copy of the slide show. We watched and listened. Grampa stayed away, with his son-in-laws, and great grandchildren.





We planned our trip to see Nikki and Loren in Nashville, I think early April.





Aunt Judy spent the night that night, all the sisters were rotating nights, since it happened. He is now on his own. My MIL is close by, so she drives him where he needs to go, and helps him out. His other daughters are not far either.





This will be hard, and I can't say I know how long Grampa will be around. He too is 88, and with a broken heart, it's hard to say.





I did forget to mention. That during the wake. I noticed Grampa alone at the casket. I went up and wrapped my arm around his. We stood in silence. He looked at me and said "she did it all. I can't even make a sandwich by myself" I told him "You and Gramma set one great example for all of us. If Spaghetti and I could have half of what you and Gramma did..." he then looked over his shoulder at Spaghetti near by with his mom, smiled, looked at me and said with tears in his eyes, "Oh you will." then he looked back at his wife, placed his hand on the casket, and said "I miss you. It won't be long. We will be together again soon"








I know with Spaghetti as my husband, my best friend, and the one I go to for everything. I can see us having what they had.








After leaving Grampa's house, we were home around 9:30 that night. We had one hell of a long day, full of emotion and sadness. I am glad it was a long one day event, I don't think Grampa or any of us could have handled two days of that.





Rest in peace Gramma M. you will be greatly missed here.





Love you.


Spaghetti, Fesity, Bagel and Weaky.


xo...

How do you deal?

My question is how do you deal? With the loss of a loved one.


From previous posts this week. You have learned that Spaghetti's awesome Gramma passed away Saturday.


She was in Arizona at her winter home, and everyone is flying back home tomorrow, the wake and funeral are not until Friday. It's hard having to wait all week. It's weird, I want Friday to never happen, but I also just want to get it over with.


It's going to be one of those days.


The day where the Kleenex company cashes in, because there will not be a dry eye in that place. I am not looking forward to seeing so many family members upset. And even though it's Spaghetti's family, it's amazing what 10 years of life together will build with these people.


People I once passed on the street, are now some of my closest family members. I can't think of what to say to my Mother IL, I watched my own mom cry 18 years ago when she had to bury her mom. Everyone was SO close to Gramma. It will be a very melancholy day.


So back to the question at hand. How do you deal?


I have a routine. I didn't really realize I did until this week. In just the past 2 years I have lost my own Gramma (who died at 90!), my Aunt (who died too young of alcohol abuse) and my Uncle in July, (who died of a broken heart, and alcohol abuse) so the past few years it seems that I have attended more then my fair share of wakes, and funeral.


Routine?
I hold it in. At first. Just till I am alone. I need at least an hour to myself. I need my iPod. I think up Friday. I think up worst case scenarios, I think up situations that won't happen, fights with random strangers, I mumble to myself, I swing at imaginary anger. I cry. I sob. I get it out.


I know it's my way of coping with things. It's my way of expressing my insane thoughts, and I get them out with imaginary people, random places, and random thoughts.


It's like pretend I guess. I have been doing this since I was a kid. From boombox, to tape player, to CD player, to radio and now to iPod. It's my escape, it's my sanity saver.


Not saying that is makes Friday any easier. It doesn't but for days that there is just to much in my head. I will take the iPod, take me time, get up hours earlier, dance, cry, fight, and mumble to myself.


This is my therapy. I love my music, it let's me escape to places and deal with things in a way I don't think I could in reality.

The above. That should be categorized in a Saturday Secret post. NO ONE has ever known about it. No one.

But you now.


It helps. I just did it. Playing out imaginary anger at random strangers, crying over thoughts of Gramma. Still I held some in, now with kids and a crazy busy day ahead, I can't have a boo hoo headache all day. But it was a release of some sort.


I also have to share that I don't just do it for death. I do it for everything, a situation where I will see old friends, or a party that I am excited about, maybe a family function I am dreading. It's just anything I need to preplay out in my head and my music helps me do that.


So again my question is. What do you do to deal with a crazy stressful situation... just curious...

That one last...

This story is about the man on the left. Edward.

(the handsome guy on the right is my dad, Carrots)

The man on the left, well... he just had the worst day of his life today. At 9:30 this morning, his best friend, love of his life, and mother to his 4 daughters, mother-in-law to 4 son-in-laws, 7 grandchildren, 3 grandchildren-in-law? and 8 great grandchildren.

This morning in Arizona, one life stopped. And even though all our lives continue, we are at that bump in life... where you look around wondering what is important, what next, can we go on? How do we do what we did everyday when someone so important is missing from that?

The story that has been told of this morning events... is while the family sat around the hospital room, Edward never left her side. He held her hand, and said "Come on girl, just open your eyes. We can go home" but she never opened her eyes again.

That one last kiss goodnight.

The one last morning.

The one last breakfast.

The one last walk together.

The one last conversation.

The one last lunch.

Trying everything you can to save your best friend. The one that you spend every waking moment with for the last 65 plus years...

She was that one person. The glue. The person that hosted everything, and I hate when that person goes. And then things stop... events stop... people stop calling... it's happened before... I hope the sisters are close enough. I hope that us grandkids can keep it going.

I know life goes on. I am blessed that I spent the last 10 years with her. I am glad I was able to see a couple who loved each other endlessly, who were still in bowling leagues, and walked the mall daily. Who still held hands, and and made me a firm believer that true love does exist.

But how does one go on, with a broken heart?

I am sorry Grampa. The love you had for Gramma was amazing. Today was a horrible day for you. I know Friday at the wake will be another horrendous day for you too.

I am thankful for my 10 years knowing Spaghetti's Gramma. She was fun, quiet, and sweet. I loved her as my own Gramma. I am lucky that she was able to enjoy and love both Bagel and Weaky. I will keep her memory alive, and talk about her. Just like there other Great Grandparents.

My heart hurts, but the memories make it feel better. I had an amazing last Thanksgiving with Gramma. I was able to show her what I do. I shared with her my love of papercrafting. I shared with her my parents, and they shared their home and dinner. It was our one-on-one time with Gramma and Grampa and it was a wonderful day.

We are lucky to have had Gramma in our lives as long as we did. I can only hope to cherish and keep every memory of my family members, to share with Bagel and Weaky, and future generations.

To Gramma.

Be sure to say "hi" to my Gramma W, Gramma A, and Grampa Batista for me. I know we now have an another angel up there watching over us. I miss you terribly... kisses to heaven...

Thanks Blogger, for letting me get this out. I needed that... breathe... sob... breathe...

Spaghetti's bad news.

I received a phone call today.

Any blog that starts with that line can't be good...

It was Spaghetti's cousin N. She called to hear if I had talked to my MIL yet today.

I said I had earlier, but not in the last few hours.

I needed to sit down.

My IL's are ok, she was calling to tell me that Gramma and Grampa were eating lunch in Arizona

(they snowbird there till April) and Gramma fell over with a massive heart attack. Grampa called 911, and attempted CPR on her. When the paramedic arrived they were able to get a pulse.

She is at the hospital and on life support and a breathing machine. They say that she may not make it much longer. As I type this my MIL, and her 3 sisters, and husbands, are all catching flights out of Chicago to Phoenix. I don't think they will make it to see her in time.

From what we heard Grampa is a wreck. I could only imagine, they were married for 65 plus years, and do EVERYTHING together. They walk the mall everyday, and are on bowling leagues. They are both 88.

It's hard because Gramma is SO far away, but they spend half the year in Arizona.

My family was fortunate enough to have "Alex Day" (a day where everyone came to meet Alex at my parent's house) in April. And then again we were so lucky that Gramma and Grampa came out with my IL's to my parents house for Thanksgiving Day. It was a great day, where I showed my MIL and Gramma how to decorate chipboard ornaments.

Spaghetti's birthday is tomorrow, and he received his Birthday card and Applebee's gift card from Gramma and Grampa in the mail on Wednesday. We ALWAYS procrastinate calling them and thanking them, but this was the first time he called them the day he received it.

He talked to his Gramma for about 20 minutes. I'm so happy he talked to her, he would have been sad if he hadn't called her.

I wish my family a safe flight to Arizona. A monster hug to Grampa, he needs it.

And Gramma... Thanks... for hosting every Christmas Eve, I know they all say you won't make it. But my brain just won't count you out. Not just yet. (my Gramma was 85 and everyone counted her out, they all flew in from all over the country to say goodbye... she lived 5 more years!) I can only hope to see you once more.

I love you, Gramma.

(enjoy pictures of Gramma below, and

if you could keep Spaghetti's family in your prayers.)

Spaghetti's Gramma and Grampa at the

Drew Davis Band and Hootie & the Blowfish concert in July 2008

Our family at Weaky and Mia's baptism
(Gramma is second from right, front row)
November 2008


Gramma and Grampa at my parents house to celebrate Weaky
(May 2008)

Gramma here with her one month old Great Grandson Weaky.

April 2008