Robbie and Me

Rob.

I miss you.

I miss the old you.

I miss when we were growing up, and when we were best friends.

I still answer your calls. Even though I hesitate each time.

I ignore the calls sometimes. When I am trying to have a normal life.

But your my family, and your like a brother to me.

But when I answer the phone, and your drunk again.

Just mumbling to me. Random. Random thoughts of your family, your past father and mother.

The same thing every time. Your on the phone right now.

I know your dad is gone. I can not understand your pain.

But masking the pain with alcohol is not the answer.

Your mom and dad tried that. And they are both gone because of alcohol abuse.

You can't fix your sister and her baby, and her baby on the way.

You can't make your parents come back, or your brothers be normal.

You can attempt to save your own health, what you have left of it.

And be happy with your partner Gregg.



I miss you. I miss our real conversations. When I could talk too. When I could talk, and you would answer back. When you and me were best friends. I love you. I love you, but I have to push you away. Understand that I need to do this for my life and my family.

The alcohol abuse, the drugs in the family, and the just abuse all around. I can't handle it. I can't expose my family to it. I am not better then you. I never will be. But the choices I make in my life are different then yours.

I wish you the best. You are not being written out of my life, I just need some space. I love you. Gack.

Toast to Turkey Day

Turkey Day was awesome. I started out with some morning coffee, and blogging. A shower, then getting the stuffing made and off to my mom's. My mom, dad, and sister all worked to get as much dinner as we could prepped and ready, so when Spaghetti, Gramma and Grampa Mc, and Spaghetti's grandparents came with my our two (they stayed over so I could clean house last night)

Before everyone arrived, and after the dinner was pretty much ready to go, I went out on the back deck, to sit (yes it was a beautiful 50 degrees out today) I sat, and watched the grey squirrels play in the woods.

As I sat and watched them, I saw them run over by the two concrete deer. We call them John B. and Alice. My Gramma A and Grampa John B. they were there yard ornaments, that my parents moved here when my Gramma moved out, and would see them when she stayed at my parents house on the weekends.

I sat and thought about Grampa John B, and his need to hurry up so he could go home and feed the dogs. Or Gramma A. and her job on T-Day was to make the gravy, and we would eat her recipe of homemade ravioli's.

I remembered Gramma W. and how I missed her so, even after 18 years of her being gone.

I looked out under the pine trees, to see the statue of St. Frances, that is over our beloved and missed Punkie, and Citgo. Not forgetting Shadowlina, Kitter, and Moses too. Cats from our life.

I wondered how the day would go. If we would have fun, if it would all go smoothly. It was better then I thought.

Everyone arrived, surprised to find me and my mom, in the woods, throwing old apples into the woods for the squirrels. We came down to great everyone.

Walking into the house, there were ohhs, and ahhs, over the Turkey and yummy food smells that filled my mom's house.

The guys hurried down stairs to the basement, to see my dad's new pool table, and how he hung all his old records to the walls to decorate.

All of us girls, we worked in the kitchen. Dinner was excellent as always, and after we picked up. The guys made a bee line for the recliners, football, and a warm fire.

Us girls took over the dining room, as we introduced my MIL, and Spaghetti's Gramma, to our family tradition of craft time! (shocker I know) every year, I come up with a different craft for us to do for the day. We made ornaments from chipboard and scrapbook paper. Covering the greater half of my mom's dining room into a glitter bonanza!

After hours of glitter, glue and paper, my IL's left with Gramma and Grampa. Leaving me to enjoy Spaghetti and the kids, with my parents. Best news, the Video store didn't need him to come in today. So he stayed at my parents house with us.

Memories were made, laughter was heard, stories were shared, all over great food. Thanks mom for hosting, serving the most amazing spread, as always.

Happy Thanksgiving, I hope you all had a nice day too.

November 19th 2006

It was a cold November day, a Sunday. My parents called and asked if I wanted to meet them over at my cousins house. To visit with Gramma. She had been sick with a cold, and I was apprehensive with Bagel, since she was so young, I didn't want her to get sick too.

But I went, it had been a few weeks since I had seen Gramma, and I knew how she lit up when I would bring Bagel to see her. I remember sitting on the couch in Kim's front room, with Gramma, everyone else bsing in the kitchen.

Gramma just didn't want to take her eyes off Bagel. She was just amazed at her. Now in 90 years, 15 grandkids, almost just as many great grand kids, and Bagel being one of them, and she even had 3 great great grandkids, well I just didn't get the excitement over one more.

I do know that I was lucky to have Gramma around. Frances and I were the daughters of Gramma's baby boy. My dad was born to my Gramma when she was 34! And back in that day, you started with kids way earlier. So yeah, I don't think my dad was planned. She had already had a set of twin boys, and two girls.

So when my parents had me and Frances, it was like starting all over again for Gramma. Most of my cousins were around when my parent got married, some where in the wedding! And I am closer to my cousin's kids age, then my actual cousins.

Gramma lived just a few miles up the road. My one aunt lived in Florida, the other in Arizona (hi Scuz!) one of the twin uncles passed away 3 months before I was born, and the other uncle, well he did his own thing.

My dad and mom were always, and still are extremely close with family, and so every Sunday we would go to church, then to eat, then visit with my Gramma (Grampa too) all day.

My mom is a Holiday fanatic! She always decorates, and hosts some kinda food. So every Easter, 4th of July, Labor Day, Memorial Day, Birthday (cept her own, then my Gramma would cook) Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas eve and Day. Gramma would be over.

It's true I didn't realize how lucky I was to always have Gramma around, until she was gone. It makes me happy that she was able to meet Bagel. She was staying with my aunt in Florida when she was born, but was home to see her just a few days after she was born.

Gramma loved to see Bagel, and my parents just moved to there new house in the woods. My Gramma loved to stay with my parents, and if Bagel was staying over even better! 6 months of Bagels life my Gramma loved and cooed over her.

I know that Gramma is happy now. She missed my Grampa John, and after 90 years, she was good to go. Being as young as I am it was hard for me to let her go. I know that I didn't have as many years as my cousins did, but the years I had were full of her.

Years that I hope I never forget. I will always talk to Bagel and Spike about there Great Gramma A. And there Great Gramma W., Grampa John, and Great Gramma Mc. It's important to talk and remind your kids about family.

I don't talk about Gramma with sobs and tears, and it has taken two years to really grasp that she is gone, and it's ok. Life goes on, and with some pretty kick ass angels watching over us, It's going to be all right.

Thanks for the memories Gramma. You living to 90, just shows me that 30... well 30 is just 1/3 of what you did in your life time. I can't wait for the other 60. You are loved and greatly missed, (damn it, I wasn't going to cry...) I love you.

Miss you.

J.

Comment on comments and some other news

You left me funny Comment Love and so I respond...

Kristen, sorry you missed dinner. We had BBQ ribs and fries. Yummy! Maybe next time!

Chandler, aka Maternal Mirth, yes Twilight has captured me. And yes I would shit myself if you and Pimp Mudd came by. Especially since your about 1,981 miles away. That would be one hell of a hike just to check on me.

And Maternal Chandler, I love how you keep fucking around with the combination of D. Pimp's name... kinda fun...

So today was insane, fun but insane. My in laws were by for the Bears game, we had lunch, then I stole just the one Spike, and we went to the Baptism party for my good friends son Gavin. (on a side note, Gavin is 4 months, and he is 17 lbs! Holy shit, that is one big effing baby! Spike is 6 1/2 months and just 14 lbs!!) I left Bagel home with dad, and Gramma and Grampa Mc.

The party was nice, a surprise that so many of my old friends were there. They all live a few hours drive away so I didn't think they would make it. Mateo (close friend from H.S.) and wife, Sara, were in from Indiana, and Jess and Shaun (my best friends from H.S.) were in with there daughter Joli (Bagels age)

It was nice bringing up old memories, talking and laughing.

After I came home we ordered dinner, and then my In laws had enough of us, so the left. I know it was a long day, but they were out of town, and haven't seen the kids in almost 2 weeks! That is eternity to them!!

Fun and busy day. Now I shall go chill, and read with my Spaghetti.

Saturdays Secret. I hated myself.

For the longest time, I hated myself. I was never good enough to hang out with the cool kids at school (I went to a small private Catholic school) I was made fun of for my lack of puberty (didn't hit it till I was 14!) None of the boys liked me, I had friends. But the "cool kids" reminded you that you weren't pretty or good enough. I hated myself, my yellow hair, my white eyelashes (no make up at a Catholic school!) flat chested, dork. My friends at least had boobs, and darker eyelashes. I was the little 4'9" albino freak.

I spent the next few years of H.S. realizing that there were the pretty and perfect (on the outside) group. But enough of us average people, that I had friends that were like me. Average, but they still thought I was weird too. The whole crazy sock thing, artsy, doodly, craft me.
Let's not forget my one friend. Someone who is still to date the best artist I know. She was artsy, crafty, creative. And she was just her. That was it. Nobody could change Nikki. Nobody. She amazed me that she never tried to be like anyone else. I was myself, most of the time. I had a boyfriend, who just didn't like my creative artsy side. And so I pretended to be more preppy then anything.

That was until I was a Jr. in H.S. I went on a trip with my church youth group. We were gone on a 4 day retreat. There were these freshman girls, who were pretty, funny, and just fell all over me. They really liked me and the crazy thing was I was me. The whole time. I was loud, artsy, singing, funny me. And they liked me. The looked up to me. It was crazy.

From then on I took a good look at myself and realized that I need to surround myself with people that get me. No I mean get me, and don't judge me later. After H.S. I went on to Jr. College and when that didn't last, I found a full time job.

I was still with the boyfriend. But even though he loved me, he just never gave me the attention I needed. He told me I said "I love you" to much. He said I wanted to many hugs, and that I talked to much about my friends and people that he didn't care about. It made me sad. But I stayed with him, because I didn't know anything better.

At this full time job, my life changed. I was on a night shift, working with this really angry red head. Holy cow she had lots of curly red hair, and a temper to go with it. But funny thing is, we had a common anger towards co-workers that just were to slow, and ass hole customers.

Then we got a new guy on our shift, he was shy, polite, and a collage graduate. Probably the first collage graduate that ever spoke to me (he was 2 years older then me) he had dark hair, and was tall. Very handsome, he joined right in on our sarcastic rants about others. Trying to be polite all the time.

This red head and I exchanged phone numbers and quickly became friends. Working 12 hour shifts made us really close, and at the time I seemed to go through things and then she would soon after. It was like we could compare life notes.

That new guy became a friend too. But I realized as I told him stories, we needed more time to talk. So we would go to breakfast after night shift. We would sit there for 6 or 8 hours, watching waitresses come and go, switching shifts.

We talked of friends, family, stories, and what we wanted in our own futures. I realized in just a few months of these "breakfast hangouts" that I needed to leave the security of my boyfriend. The one guy that had stood by me since I was 16 years old. But I needed to move on. I couldn't leave him hanging. and new guy is very liked by a few of the single girls we work with.

I did. I left my boyfriend, it hurt. A lot. It hurt more to see him so sad. He cried, and wanted me to come back. Just like I did all those times he broke up with me over 4 1/2 years. I just couldn't. There was something too good with this new guy.

I begged new guy not to hurt me. I was making a big change in my life, and I needed to be sure I wasn't leaving someone for a few months of dating. Well new guy and I dated for only 5 months.

Then he asked me to marry him. 20 months later I married him. That was the best day. When Spaghetti and I became one team. But lets not forget the angry red head. Yep, she was standing right up there with us.

Aerial and Spaghetti taught me that there are people out there that will love you for you. It takes time. It takes work. And I have always had the motto to be happy with what I do. From friends to work, to life. I need people to make me happy.

Aerial gets me. She is a lot like me in ways. We are both loud, bold, straight forward, social, but we enjoy our own time. Stand up for ourselves and our family. We have learned and grown from knowing each other. I don't think she thought she was as arty as she is, until I taught her to play with paper mache' and stamps. I don't know what my life would be if I didn't find that one person who gets me. I appreciate her.

Spaghetti respects me. As much as he is a conservative, he is funny, and I think I have taught him to loosen up, and not worry so much about other people. He loves me unconditionally, and I think so far as parents we work very well together. He works hard for this family, and is a big mamma's boy. I love him for his love for his family. And his want to put family first.

My family has always been my cheerleader, teaching me that I can be funny, outgoing, artsy, crafty and just a book loving girl that I am. And even thought that means the world to me. Having two strangers get me. And love me for me. Well that is something else to me.

I have made so many friends in the past 30 years. I must say the first few friends in my life, Mud and Chandler. And the last two friends, Aerial and Spaghetti, before my life changed. Those 4 get me. And they love me.

This is what made me. Me. When you don't think you mean something to someone. Realize what you have done to change there life. What your voice and opinion has impacted on me. You four. You get me. I welcome new friends all the time, but the core group that are my biggest supporters. You rock.

And with that, my self esteem was built, from the Freshman at that trip, to the people that make my life. To the family that always got me. Thank you.

I love myself.

Manic Monday

What is the greatest value that guides your life?
Happiness.

I do what makes me happy. I eat what makes me happy, I wear what makes me happy. I have jet black hair one day and a blonde mohawk the next. I am random, and that is what makes me happy. I like to keep the peace. And go with the flow, but if I ain't happy. You know.

Fill in the blank: If I could be anybody besides myself, I would be ______.
Wow. This one is hard. I mean do I chose young? Bagel for instance, to have a do-over life, in the 21st century?

Or someone I admire. Like P!Nk. But her life is not all magic and dreams. She had a rough childhood, and is just a person with issues like me. Not to say I wouldn't love to have her voice, her looks, and well I think I have her same attitude towards life.

Or do I chose the one person I like best in this world? Me. I like my personality, my looks, and my life. I have created what I wanted for myself. And I guess if I could change things, I would have pushed to be an actress like I wanted to be before we had kids. But it is what it is. And this is what I love.

What is one item in your house that you should really throw out but probably never will?

A ton of memorabilia from Grade school, Jr. High and H.S. from newsletters, to notes from friends. Report cards and flyer's. I just keep shuffling them around. They are currently under my basement stairs. Someday...

If you too want to play Manic Monday. Go here, grab a link and go into Mr. Linky! Happy Manic Monday!

A Dance to Remember.

Every day that Spaghetti has available, when he isn't sleeping and working constantly. He takes the time to do an elbow dance with Bagel.

This elbow dance is done to one song. Coldplays "Viva La Vida" Spaghetti picks up Bagel, she sits on his one hip, the dance, hop and spin around the kitchen. The elbow part is because Spaghetti first taught Bagel to put her fist in the air and raise her arm up and down to the song. She then called it the elbow dance. And that's what it is.

I sit and I watch, I love to dream, and to know that years from now they will still do it. Some day she will be to cool to do this, and then years later she will realize that she needs her Dad and the elbow dance.

There will be a Wedding Day, that I will be there in my fancy dress with Spike by my side, as we watch Spaghetti and Bagel dance the father daughter dance to "Viva La Vida" possibly joining in at the end. Of coarse there usually is tears by me, because I see memories, I see the future, I see what I always wanted. Family of my own, and memories forever. Not just for me, but for all 4 of us.

Spaghetti asked me the other day, if I thought Bagel would remember this dance. I said of coarse she will, because we will always do it. It will become tradition that Spaghetti and Bagel do this dance.

I love the fact that they have a song, that they dance to the song, and that they laugh, and enjoy the few minutes each day that they have together. Thanks for the memories, Spaghetti and Bagel. Feisty loves you.