Saturdays Secret. I hated myself.

For the longest time, I hated myself. I was never good enough to hang out with the cool kids at school (I went to a small private Catholic school) I was made fun of for my lack of puberty (didn't hit it till I was 14!) None of the boys liked me, I had friends. But the "cool kids" reminded you that you weren't pretty or good enough. I hated myself, my yellow hair, my white eyelashes (no make up at a Catholic school!) flat chested, dork. My friends at least had boobs, and darker eyelashes. I was the little 4'9" albino freak.

I spent the next few years of H.S. realizing that there were the pretty and perfect (on the outside) group. But enough of us average people, that I had friends that were like me. Average, but they still thought I was weird too. The whole crazy sock thing, artsy, doodly, craft me.
Let's not forget my one friend. Someone who is still to date the best artist I know. She was artsy, crafty, creative. And she was just her. That was it. Nobody could change Nikki. Nobody. She amazed me that she never tried to be like anyone else. I was myself, most of the time. I had a boyfriend, who just didn't like my creative artsy side. And so I pretended to be more preppy then anything.

That was until I was a Jr. in H.S. I went on a trip with my church youth group. We were gone on a 4 day retreat. There were these freshman girls, who were pretty, funny, and just fell all over me. They really liked me and the crazy thing was I was me. The whole time. I was loud, artsy, singing, funny me. And they liked me. The looked up to me. It was crazy.

From then on I took a good look at myself and realized that I need to surround myself with people that get me. No I mean get me, and don't judge me later. After H.S. I went on to Jr. College and when that didn't last, I found a full time job.

I was still with the boyfriend. But even though he loved me, he just never gave me the attention I needed. He told me I said "I love you" to much. He said I wanted to many hugs, and that I talked to much about my friends and people that he didn't care about. It made me sad. But I stayed with him, because I didn't know anything better.

At this full time job, my life changed. I was on a night shift, working with this really angry red head. Holy cow she had lots of curly red hair, and a temper to go with it. But funny thing is, we had a common anger towards co-workers that just were to slow, and ass hole customers.

Then we got a new guy on our shift, he was shy, polite, and a collage graduate. Probably the first collage graduate that ever spoke to me (he was 2 years older then me) he had dark hair, and was tall. Very handsome, he joined right in on our sarcastic rants about others. Trying to be polite all the time.

This red head and I exchanged phone numbers and quickly became friends. Working 12 hour shifts made us really close, and at the time I seemed to go through things and then she would soon after. It was like we could compare life notes.

That new guy became a friend too. But I realized as I told him stories, we needed more time to talk. So we would go to breakfast after night shift. We would sit there for 6 or 8 hours, watching waitresses come and go, switching shifts.

We talked of friends, family, stories, and what we wanted in our own futures. I realized in just a few months of these "breakfast hangouts" that I needed to leave the security of my boyfriend. The one guy that had stood by me since I was 16 years old. But I needed to move on. I couldn't leave him hanging. and new guy is very liked by a few of the single girls we work with.

I did. I left my boyfriend, it hurt. A lot. It hurt more to see him so sad. He cried, and wanted me to come back. Just like I did all those times he broke up with me over 4 1/2 years. I just couldn't. There was something too good with this new guy.

I begged new guy not to hurt me. I was making a big change in my life, and I needed to be sure I wasn't leaving someone for a few months of dating. Well new guy and I dated for only 5 months.

Then he asked me to marry him. 20 months later I married him. That was the best day. When Spaghetti and I became one team. But lets not forget the angry red head. Yep, she was standing right up there with us.

Aerial and Spaghetti taught me that there are people out there that will love you for you. It takes time. It takes work. And I have always had the motto to be happy with what I do. From friends to work, to life. I need people to make me happy.

Aerial gets me. She is a lot like me in ways. We are both loud, bold, straight forward, social, but we enjoy our own time. Stand up for ourselves and our family. We have learned and grown from knowing each other. I don't think she thought she was as arty as she is, until I taught her to play with paper mache' and stamps. I don't know what my life would be if I didn't find that one person who gets me. I appreciate her.

Spaghetti respects me. As much as he is a conservative, he is funny, and I think I have taught him to loosen up, and not worry so much about other people. He loves me unconditionally, and I think so far as parents we work very well together. He works hard for this family, and is a big mamma's boy. I love him for his love for his family. And his want to put family first.

My family has always been my cheerleader, teaching me that I can be funny, outgoing, artsy, crafty and just a book loving girl that I am. And even thought that means the world to me. Having two strangers get me. And love me for me. Well that is something else to me.

I have made so many friends in the past 30 years. I must say the first few friends in my life, Mud and Chandler. And the last two friends, Aerial and Spaghetti, before my life changed. Those 4 get me. And they love me.

This is what made me. Me. When you don't think you mean something to someone. Realize what you have done to change there life. What your voice and opinion has impacted on me. You four. You get me. I welcome new friends all the time, but the core group that are my biggest supporters. You rock.

And with that, my self esteem was built, from the Freshman at that trip, to the people that make my life. To the family that always got me. Thank you.

I love myself.